Loving without overindulging children may be hard for some parents to do. Gihan Shahine listens to experts' advice on how to avoid raising a spoiled child Mona's nine-year-old daughter Farah does not take no for an answer. "She would immediately throw a fit when we told her she could not do so and so," Mona complains. Since early infanthood, Farah would scream and stomp her feet to get what she wanted, but at nursery and school she would behave as an ideal girl who listened to her teachers and behaved well with her classmates. "I consulted her teachers and doctors and everybody insisted she was a spoiled girl," Mona said. Being a single mother, Mona admits that her parents perhaps overindulged Farah to compensate for the absence of her father. The end result is that "Farah is the boss at home, and no one can do anything against her wishes." Farah can be difficult to satisfy, and she is very clingy towards her mother. For Mona, it is now very difficult to change this "painful reality". Mona's parents cannot live with the constant screaming -- they simply surrender to Farah's wishes to avoid it. Probably knowing this, Farah has found it a successful strategy to get what she wants. Such a scenario is not so uncommon if testimonies of many parents and child psychologists are anything to go by. Many parents similarly complain that their children are what are termed "spoiled brats", who wield power over them and cause them to melt in the face of any protest. Seeing children emptying out their parents' purses at supermarkets or fun-fairs and throwing tantrums if told not to has become a not- uncommon scene. According to Barton Schmitt, a US paediatrician at the Children's Hospital in Denver, "about five per cent of kids are spoiled in that they lack discipline, are manipulative and are generally bothersome." According to WebMed.com, however, Schmitt's estimate may be far too generous. The website quotes a study conducted in 2000 by Dan Kindlon, author of Too Much of a Good Thing, which found that "60 per cent of parents thought their kids were spoiled, and 15 per cent of teenagers thought they themselves fitted the bill." In Egypt, Heba El-Shahawi, a professor of child psychiatry at Ain Shams University in Cairo, told Al-Ahram Weekly that the phenomenon of spoiled children could be rooted in social conditions like being an only child, being the first grandson/ daughter, being the first son after many girls, or perhaps being a very precious child or the son of divorced parents. Today, many women get married later in life and many may have trouble conceiving. With divorce rates on the rise, many single mothers may feel guilty that their children are not having a normal life. In the meantime, many parents now also work long hours, and they may feel guilty they are not spending enough time with their children. In all such cases, parents may unconsciously tend to spoil their children. Yet, what spoiled means remains an issue of debate among experts and parents alike since there are few scientific facts on the subject. Any child misbehaviour, which may perhaps have a medical reason or be rooted in social conditions, may be diagnosed as being a case of a spoiled child. Whereas no parent would ever want his or her children to be spoiled, few may know how to strike a balance between love and indulgence. One cause of a spoiled child is "parents who are overprotective and all-giving", according to US family and child counsellor Audrey Wise. "Overprotective parents don't want their children to fail and do everything in their power to make sure this does not happen," she explains. But since this is not how the world works, experts agree that such parents are not doing their children a favour. "The child becomes accustomed to having things done for him or her, assuming everyone will work for his or her success -- and that's just not true," Wise says. Professor of educational psychology and counselling at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville in the US Charles L. Thompson would rather put it this way: "a spoiled child has the 'I want, I want, I want' syndrome. His philosophy of life would be 'life is not good unless I'm getting my own way'." El-Shahawi would brand children spoiled when they are "careless, do not listen to orders, do not have an interest in playing with other children unless their playmates play with their own rules, are not sociable in general and prefer to remain in the company of those who put them at the centre of the universe, probably parents and grandparents." "Such children normally hate and are not responsive to discipline." Children get spoiled, she adds, when their parents are keen that their children have a happier life than they did and make them the centre of attention. Parents, many experts agree, generally feel joy when they say yes to and provide for their kids, but they may be committing mistakes in the process. "They may tend to give larger praise or rewards than are deserved when their children behave. They may also not enforce rules enough or give punishments when their children misbehave. They may make their children feel they are the centre of the world," El-Shahawi said. Kelly Nault, founder of the US company Ultimate parenting.com, which provides parenting resources and online parenting courses, warns that children who are made the centre of their parents' universe may develop a sense of entitlement that makes them feel the world has to work for them and they do not have to do anything in return. They may then grow up into adults who are unable to meet life's challenges and maintain healthy relationships. "Entitlement creates such problems because a fulfilling life is the product of caring about others, being confident in our own abilities, and being motivated to share our talents," Nault explained. That said, it is important to know that you cannot spoil a baby. US certified family life educator Sandy Bailey advises parents on the website babycentre.com not to listen to the advice of "well-meaning relatives who advise parents to sometimes ignore their babies' cries to make them learn independence." Instead, Bailey insists, mothers should promptly respond to their young babies' cries and give them as much care and attention as they can because young babies are "completely spoil-proof". Babies younger than six months old are simply "too young to purposefully manipulate or annoy you." Instead, they cry to communicate their needs. A prompt response to a baby's needs, according to Bailey, will "build his sense of self- worth and establish a foundation of trust that can last for years to come." It will make the baby "feel more secure and less anxious, giving him the courage to explore the world on his own." At the age of six or eight months, however, it is "okay to set some limits" since babies start to make direct links between their actions and their mother's reactions. "If your baby starts crying to get something he doesn't need, hold your ground and give him a hug when he calms down," Bailey advises. "Similarly, give hugs and praise for good behaviour and gently redirect him when he's doing something hazardous." No matter how tedious it may be, many child experts insist that parents should decide from the outset what they "are willing to give their children in terms of material goods and attention and then stand by this decision," says Wise. Children will try to manipulate their parents and use every tactic to break the rules. If parents do not stand firm, a child will learn that with a little more persistence he can break the rules. In his book Life Strategies, US psychologist Phillip Calvin McGraw, best known as "Dr. Phil" on the US television show Dr. Phil, warns parents that they should not let guilt get in the way of parenting. Saying "no," according to Dr. Phil, is not always bad since "a child can get over the disappointment of having been told 'no'," he explains, "but he won't get over the effects of being spoiled." A parent's job, according to Dr. Phil, is not to give a child everything that makes the parent feel happy, but rather to prepare a child to succeed in school and later in life. "Kids have to be socialised in a way that they understand that you work hard for what you get. You don't want to teach your child that they will get everything through manipulation, pouting, crying, door slamming and guilt induction," he insisted. Not that parents should teach their children that they cannot get everything they want, though. Rather, experts advise, parents should teach their children they can have whatever they want if they are willing to work for it. "During the process of figuring out how to get whatever it is they desire, they may learn about problem-solving, planning, setting priorities, and goal achievement," write Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller, authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. "They may even come to see themselves as being able to create what they want in their own lives. That is about as far from being spoiled as you can get. We call this phenomena self-responsibility." For Moorman and Haller, "there is no such thing as a spoiled child." The word spoiled for them is only "an inference," a judgement of bad behaviour. The authors insist that children who act with a sense of entitlement, who whine until the parents cave in, who pout if they do not get what they want and who do not appreciate small gifts should not be simply labelled spoiled. "They are children who are choosing inappropriate behaviours, behaviours that need to be redirected and that need to be replaced with other choices," they insist. "These are children that need to be taught more effective ways of interacting, of asking for what they want and of expressing their feelings." Parents, according to Moorman and Haller, should thus invest time and effort "to teach new behaviours to their children" and in the meantime "change their own behaviours". To avoid spoiling a child: - Know that "your primary job as a parent is to prepare your child for how the world really works," says Dr. Phil. "In the real world, you don't always get what you want. You will be better able to deal with that as an adult if you've experienced it as a child." - Set limits and stick by them. Don't feel guilty about saying no sometimes. Stand firm and remember that consistency is king. - Encourage children to help out with simple family chores once they show an interest in helping out. - Teach children the value of charity, sharing and giving to others. - Make sure your child understands the value of hard work. - "Choose to be a happy parent... for the sake of your children," Nault advises, saying that women should give more priority to self- care as a necessity rather than a luxury. "When 'Super Mom' turns into 'Super Stressed' the results can be ugly for the entire family."
