Should parents be allowed to smack their children? Gihan Shahine explores questions of discipline My husband insists that smacking is the only language a two-year- old preschooler understands, since he or she cannot listen to reason at such a young age. My two-year-old son, Youssef, never takes "no" for an answer, but instead ignores what I tell him. Though I try to be firm and consistent, I often have to repeat an order ten times before Youssef listens. But should I smack him? Of course, sometimes I have to get a little harsher when Youssef is about to hurt himself, or break a precious household item. My partner, on the other hand, sometimes gets impatient and smacks Youssef when he causes mischief. I have argued that this is not the right solution, but my husband shrugs off professional advice on the grounds that it is all theoretical and not practical. After all, "this is the way other people were raised, and it didn't do them any harm," he argues. This situation has made me wonder whether the occasional little smack is fine, especially as Youssef is quiet and disciplined with his father. If not, what is the proper mode of discipline? I took heart in expert advice given by the site babycentre.com, which insists that children's ignoring what parents say is not only a general problem, but is also typical behaviour among two-year-olds. At this stage in life, preschoolers are grappling with issues of asserting independence from their parents, and exploring is their main concern in life. Ignoring what parents say is part of that developmental process. According to child psychologist Amira Shawqi, it would therefore be unfair to punish a preschooler for messing with household stuff or not listening. The fact that my son listens more to his father than he does to me does not prove that smacking "works" or is right either, says Shawqi, since it is often the case that a father's word is ten times more effective than that of a mother. Neither does the fact that my son is so attached to his father show that smacking is without emotional risks, she says. Educational consultant Hanan Sabry, formerly a long-term resident of the United States where she studied child behavioural and cognitive development as part of her Masters degree in the arts of teaching, explains that when a child has a great reservoir of love for his parent, smacking only takes away some of this love. However, there is something of a consensus among psychologists that smacking a child is an improper form of discipline. It has been found that a child who gets smacked can start hitting his parents back, as well as other children at day-care centres, since he may have learned that it is somehow alright to hurt others when angry. While Sabry concedes that parents might think that smacking may indeed help discipline, she insists that such is the case only in the short term. A child who is smacked will often only listen to instructions on a temporary basis. Moreover, parents who smack their children when they are young tend to do so more harshly as their children grow older, when a little smack can become useless. A vicious circle ensues. The problem, according to Sabry, is that smacking is a "conditioned" form of discipline that is based on fear and not on logic. As a result, a smacked child only behaves well when his parents are around and will break loose when they are not. When such a child reaches his teens, there is a chance that he will misbehave behind his parents' backs, because he has not learnt to use logic in the first place. "That's why we see many teens smoking and taking drugs behind their parents' backs," Sabry says. "This conditioned form of discipline is also one reason why some people will only do an honest day's work when the boss is around, or follow traffic laws only when a traffic officer is there." Indeed, children are very fragile at a young age, and even in some cases a little smack or verbal sharpness can leave a deep scar that can cause challenges later. Such challenges commonly start in the teenage years, when those who have been smacked in childhood can start showing symptoms of withdrawal (usually in the case of girls), or indulge in angry behaviour (usually in the case of boys). However, it is at the age of 25 that the mind is fully developed, and this is precisely when the impact of negative childhood discipline starts to show, Sabry says. "Those who were smacked in their childhood can have inner grief and pain that translates into a sense of insecurity, low self- esteem and a lack of self-confidence," Sabry warns. A happy teen tends to develop personal and social skills that an unhappy one misses out on. Being smacked as a child can remain in a person's memory, and can be carried to his adulthood (especially when a child is smacked after the age of seven). Which may result in an ungrateful attitude or resentment towards parents in an adult's early 30s, an age when people tend to evaluate their childhood, reassess their parents' upbringing and feel their impact on them, Sabry says. Sabry has been shocked to find that smacking children is still common in Egypt, and not just among parents, but also at schools and clubs. As a result, she has been trying to change these negative attitudes towards children, and has been giving courses for parents, teachers and club coaches on how to manage the anger they may feel at children's misbehaviour. The first thing parents should know, according to babycentre.com, is that "every child presents discipline challenges at every age, and it's up to us to figure out how to handle them." This, however, can be like walking a tightrope, since being permissive with a child could result in raising a "brat", while over-controlling and taking a hardline stance could result in a "cowed, sullen kid". "What we need is a comfortable middle ground to ensure that our little ones grow up to be respectful, caring, and well behaved," the site says. A "love and logic approach", very popular abroad, is what Sabry tries to teach parents in Egypt. The bottom line of this approach is that parents should try to let their children do the right thing because they want to, and not because they are too afraid not to. There is a wealth of advice on the right tools to use to achieve this. Sabry advises parents to spend quality time with their children, giving them their undivided attention and playing, talking, reasoning, listening, respecting and responding to their needs. This quality time should include learning moments that introduce logic to train the mind early to understand things properly. Questions like, "do you think this is the right thing to do?" and, "why do you think it is right?" can be helpful tools. "An hour of quality time a day is fairly enough to raise a happy healthy child to become a happy responsible adult," Sabry insists. It helps to maintain parent-child dialogue, and it helps to preserve the relationship between parents and children during the teenage years when children can close themselves up and create a separate world of friends. "Love, logic, nurture and respect are the pillars of positive discipline," Sabry comments. Logic should be invoked even when giving a punishment, which may range from making a child feel guilty to withdrawing a privilege. In all cases, parents should make it clear that they love their children no matter what, and that punishment is the consequence of negative behaviour. Truth and trust are also crucial parts of positive discipline: parents should fulfil their promises and build trust with their children by sincere expressions of love. Harvard professor Dan Kindlon, author of the book Too Much of a Good Thing, also advises that one good way of raising a child with emotional strength is to be consistent and unyielding about rules and chores. "Even if you pick just one chore to insist on, your child will be better off," Kindlon says. "Being firm and consistent teaches your child that you care enough about him to expect responsible behaviour." Parents should not be afraid of upsetting or disappointing their children either, because "if a child never experiences the pain of frustration -- of having to share a toy or wait their turn in line -- or if they're never sad or disappointed, they won't develop psychological skills that are crucial for their future happiness," Kindlon says. Using time-outs is one of the best-known, albeit controversial, disciplining approaches. Some experts advise that time-outs should be balanced with time-ins when parents spend extra-special time with their children. Experts generally advise parents to focus on what they want their children to do and to encourage this, rather than to develop draconian modes of punishment. It is better to train a child to listen rather than to punish him for not listening, and the best way to do this is for parents to give an example by being good listeners themselves. Giving two choices is another tool that I have found useful in making my child a better listener, and it is something experts recommend for developing a child's self-esteem and responsibility in the future. "When you give a child a choice, you're giving her a chance to assert herself in an acceptable way," says babycentre.com. Creating a child-friendly environment with a reduced number of "no's" is equally helpful. Too much use of the word "no" has actually made my son into a "Mr No," and here expert advice on babycentre.com is also helpful. "Instead of barking 'No! You can't have lollies now,'" the site advises, "tell [your child],'You can have an apple or a banana,' or 'You can have a treat after lunch'". Madelyn Swift, author of Discipline for Life: Getting It Right with Children, also advises parents to start teaching their children from early infanthood onwards that the "family is a mutual-support system, meaning that everyone pitches in. Even a baby can learn to 'help' you lift her by reaching out her arms," Swift says. Yet, parents also have to make sure their orders are not too complicated for their children's age. A two-year-old, for instance, may appear not to listen because he simply does not understand the language used. According to experts at babycentre.com, asking a two-year-old to "tidy your room" is a vague instruction, while "please put your clothes in the wardrobe' is clearer. Praising good behaviour and giving incentives also help encourage responsible and disciplined conduct. While parents are sometimes too stressed to spend time persuading a child to carry out a task, preparing the child for the next chore by giving him prior notice is something I have found helpful. "We can always come up with creative ways of positive discipline," Sabry says. "But the issue for parents is that they should be both patient and tender and able to maintain both." * * * Tips: - Get away from your child and come back when you are calm with logic not emotions. - Sit in a quiet place and think of the whole situation. Is it worth the fight? - Drink a beverage or take a shower. - Change the place or go for a walk. - Think that a mistake is an opportunity for a learning moment not a fight.
