Many parents complain that their children do not come with manuals. But, as Gihan Shahine finds out, behaviour can be changed with the right approach Everybody seemed to be enjoying the cool breeze of the azure Mediterranean, relishing a cup of coffee or munching on a fruit salad ice-cream in a sea-side café in Alexandria, when suddenly a tsunami took over. My almost two-year-old toddler suddenly threw a fit, whining, whimpering and then crying at the top of his voice. It was so embarrassing, and I tried to calm my son down so as not to disrupt everybody's treat, but to no avail. I tried to comfort myself by telling myself that everyone who is a parent would be in my shoes one day. But that did not work either. People gazed at me with an impatient look. A couple of elderly women stepped into the scene with unneeded advice, asking if my son needed changing. An old man who was engaged in reading a newspaper finished his coffee quickly and stepped out of the cafe, while a dating couple sat back in their seats, engulfed in silence. We decided to leave, but public tantrums are not the only challenge I have to face as a parent. Dealing with outbursts of anger is almost part of my daily routine back home. I used to wake up to thunderstorms, and outbursts are still part of my toddler's bedtime routine. My son, Youssef, still tends to mess with precious household stuff and gets swept up in tantrums whenever I try to stop him from making mischief. He does not listen much to my refusals, and brief time-outs are only helpful for a brief respite, after which Youssef tends to do the same thing again. He does not easily cooperate with any routine, starting with eating breakfast and getting dressed to brushing his teeth before bed. I worried that I was raising a monster until I found relief in psychological counselling, which helped me a lot in managing my son's moods. Today, I can see a gradual, albeit slow, change in my son's disposition. It is important to realise that temper tantrums are normal in the life of toddlers aged between one and three, and that children at that age are not being defiant or tyrannical when they throw a fit or are disobedient. "They are testing their parents," responds Susanne Ayers Denham, a developmental psychologist via e-mail from babycentre.com. "At this age, toddlers are trying to grapple with standards of behaviour and the rules of the family. They are transitioning, though, between needing you to make them comply and 'owning' the rule so that they follow it even when you're not around." According to Denham, children at this age have a great desire for independence. They want to have things their own way, and so complying with rules for them is sometimes a real loss. They do not actually mean to make mischief; they just have great curiosity and an urge to explore the world around them. Meanwhile, they are testing the waters: they want to know just how rules are defined (if, for example, messing with mum's computer will be punished or just ignored). They still need parents' coaching a lot of the time, though. Claire B. Kopp, professor of applied developmental psychology at California's Claremont Graduate University, says that temper tantrums are also the result of uneven language skills. That is, toddlers understand a lot of what we say, but they are still unable to express themselves clearly, and that makes them feel frustrated. A toddler may be swept up in a tantrum just because he is hungry, tired, unable to accomplish a certain task (like untying a shoe lace, for instance), or because he has been refused something, or just wants attention. In all cases, the important thing is that parents should remain cool. There is a consensus among specialists that losing one's temper, shouting back, or giving a little smack on the hand only escalate the problem because a child can hardly listen to reason at this stage. Some experts advise holding a child until he calms down because he probably feels scared by the storm of emotions he is going through. Most psychologists, however, recommend ignoring outbursts, or giving a time-out until the storm subsides, rather than rewarding negative behaviour. Many warn that caving in similarly sets the stage for future tantrums because the child will know that throwing a fit is an effective weapon to get what he wants. According to British and American Board Certified NLP (neuro-linguistic programmer) Sharon Kamel in an interview with Al-Ahram Weekly, tantrums can be avoided by a quick response to the signs (mood changes, facial expressions and body language) that come before a tantrum starts. Parents should know how to read their toddlers' cues since "guessing what is wrong or blaming the child will only lead to a further misunderstanding and increasingly destructive displays of behaviour," Kamel says. Research has also found that a parent who doesn't read the child's cues, and who constantly insists that the child do things the parent's way, can even contribute to a defiant child's rigidity. Experts generally advise parents to provide a home environment where the number of no's is reduced. If a mother does not want her child to mess with her valuable household stuff she should keep this out of her toddler's reach rather than give him a punishment. "Pick your battles" is what psychiatrist Vijai P. Sharma advises in an article entitled "Tips for dealing with defiant children". "Find activities, hobbies, and games in which you and your child can have increasingly positive interaction. Your child may want to please you even more," Sharma writes. There are many theories of how to handle a child's defiant behaviour, and, according to Kamel, there is no one quick fix for all ages. The bottom line is that parents should realise that almost "all young children suffer from some behavioural display during their early years." According to Kamel, "it is of major importance to recognise the cause of the behaviour and treat it head-on with an appropriate approach." Many parents may ignore defiant behaviour, or laugh it off as just being "cute", until it develops and they find themselves unable to cope when the child reaches the age of eight or nine. "Defiant behaviour is a progressive problem, and, if untreated, gets worse," Sharma warns. Kamel agrees. "If a parent doesn't pay attention to a child who answers them back, for example, or who disobeys a request, or they laugh when a child is doing something others consider inappropriate, then the message the child receives is that it's OK to continue to act that way." Research has found that it is much easier to treat defiant behaviour between the ages of two and five than after the age of 12. In one piece of research, psychological parenting techniques were shown to work in about 75 per cent of cases of children under the age of 10, but only in 25 per cent of cases of children over the age of 12. Poor handling of a behavioural problem, Kamel insists, encourages it to persist. Mona Kamal's experience is a case in point. Her daughter, Farah, used to get swept up in tantrums when she was a toddler, throwing herself on the floor when she was refused something. Kamal used just to cave in, in order to appease her angered child. Today, the same problem persists, and Kamal is frustrated that her five-year-old daughter still throws the same fits and does not cooperate with "any single routine". "I can't take it anymore," she complains. "My daughter is too defiant, and I just do not know how to deal with it." For her part, Kamel insists that after 24 years of experience in the field and much study, "there is no such thing as a 'too defiant child'. It is impossible for a child to stay defiant when you react positively towards it and encourage it to change," she says. The problem, though, is that quite often parents simply lack the knowledge and experience needed to help with their child's behaviour. Parents tend to raise their children the way they were brought up themselves, and listening to bad, unprofessional advice may only complicate the problem. Kamel notes that parents have often been advised to smack a child until he or she complies, or to isolate a child, or to remove things such as activities, privileges, toys or games, or worst of all, parent time, until their child behaves according to their wishes. They may also offer the child a treat if he or she behaves as the parent wants. "I have to tell you that these methods simply do not work to achieve long-term results," Kamel told the Weekly. Sharma similarly warns that parents may contribute to their children's defiance by being very "rule-oriented or rigid." "Too many arbitrary rules and regulations can drive a defiant child into doing precisely the opposite of what you are demanding of him," he insists. Looking for "more draconian methods to raise the ante for bad behaviour", Sharma adds, "work for a little while, but then the child raises his or her resistance to match the severity of the punishment." Too many complaints on the part of parents of how tired they feel may also make them appear weak and defeated in front of their children, and that also backfires. Instead, experts recommend shifting the focus from a child's negative behaviour to what a parent wants the child to do and find a way to reinforce this. One challenging job that parents need to undertake is to be comforting, loving and soothing, all despite their child's defiance and negativity. Psychologists explain that underneath this defiant attitude is a vulnerable, insecure child that needs love and care, and so building mutual trust is the first step towards changing that negative behaviour. Kamel, however, insists that "there is no one best way to make a child less defiant. Every child is different, and every situation is individual." For Kamel, getting proper professional counselling is the best way to handle behavioural problems. In Egypt, however, there is a lack of parenting classes and of training. More importantly perhaps, there is also a lack of the awareness of how important professional counselling is. Kamel thus decided to pour her decades-long experience into parenting courses that deal with problems parents encounter. The courses also provide valuable information in areas such as setting routines for your children, dealing with inappropriate behaviour, getting your child into a good sleep routine, toilet training, discipline, home teaching and other issues. Other such training courses have also recently appeared, including parenting courses and consultation by Edge Consultants and the Cairo Child Development Centre (an extension of Jennifer's International Pre-School). But do all parents have the time, budget and energy needed to attend such classes? "I think society as a whole has a problem right now with allocating enough time and energy to parenting and raising children, but I believe that it should be a matter of priority," Kamel says. "We are raising the future generation, and we have to take that seriously whether we are in Egypt or abroad."
