Restaurant review: No Sicily, no garden Gamal Nkrumah stumbles upon something other than a green Italian Wi-Fi Internet, lovers galore, and shishas -- the infamous hubble-bubbles that perfume the entire place with their inviting flavours. Strategically-located on a main thoroughfare near the main entrance to Cairo's affluent suburb of Maadi, the Siciliana and Beau Jardin are two of a kind: odd eateries. The waiters are not particularly noted for their manual dexterity, however, they do know how to swerve you from your most stubbornly- held convictions concerning fast food joints. Before you know it, you are munching junk. And, as far as the beautiful garden is concerned, there is none. An indoor café, lime green décor and dark wooden furniture, Siciliana is more nonchalant than cosy -- and its twin, Beau Jardin, is similarly monotonously furnished and inconspicuous. Both cafés are meeting joints for young couples and classmates whose main goal is to find a quiet corner to chat, gossip or indulge in intimate talk. Then, there are those from the neighbourhood, who champion Siciliana and Beau Jardin as a shisha haven. Sip a cup of tea at your own leisurely pace, savour a shisha while composing a love e- mail message, that sort of thing is typical of Siciliana. The crepe corner is enticing enough with both savoury and sweet varieties. Sandwiches at the Siciliana are nothing special, I am afraid. I studied the menu and nothing in particular caught my attention. Yes, there was the very predictable shish tawook -- boneless marinaded chicken kebabs; the chicken livers, chicken "fahita" (presumably fajita ) and the like. Then there was smoked turkey; club sandwich; Mexican chicken and Beau Jardin seafood. I stopped short in my tract at the curry chicken: now that is precisely the sort of dish you should avoid at all costs at a place like Siciliana. The "smoun femaa", which I discovered much to my astonishment and chagrin was nothing but old smoked salmon. I suppose whoever composed the menu had the French saumon fumé in mind. I wondered what the Panino Beau Jardin would turn out to be, but I wasn't going to take the risk. Needless to say, there was absolutely no sign of the bocconcini, arugula, prosciutto and porchetta (roast pork tidbits) -- indeed, the waiter hadn't the foggiest idea what sinful victuals I was referring to. And, forget about the delicious ciabatta bread. The pizzas, too, looked suspiciously dicey. The "cazanofa", presumably Cazanova, is nowhere near the dramatic madness of the original New York stuff. The pasta is far more reliable at Siciliana, well you can't go wrong there. Pasta is pasta. Spaghetti di Siciliana, I was assured by the waiter, is an all-time favourite with the clientele. Spaghetti Bolognaise is spaghetti Bolognaise -- the mince meat was a tad too stringy. Spaghetti di mare was not particularly exciting either: the usual casual eatery fare. Spaghetti Napolitana is exactly what it is: an unsettling reminder of the Mediterranean Mezziogorno port-city's refuse crisis. The spaghetti Calabrese, I was told, bore no resemblance to the original, nor even to the cruder American imitations. I didn't even chance the carbonara -- alas, what a pity there was no sign of the spinach linguine, fresh coarsely-chopped Italian parsley, and Locatelli romano cheese. Indeed, conspicuously absent was anything verdant. I would avoid the cannelloni at Siciliana. For a main course, I would recommend the Escalope Beau Jardin, the most gustatory of the "veel" entrees. Veel, supposedly refers to veal, is the only red meat on offer. The Lasagna verde was as plain and greasy as they come. I recoiled at the thought of tons of cholesterol- smothered, luminous greyish green pasta with a thin- layered film of minced meat sandwiched between the melted plastic-tasting cheese. The cannelloni, stuffed with tiny bits of chewy minced meat and drenched in a tasteless tomato sauce, was equally uninspiring -- actually positively revolting. Equally, and unmistakably unpalatable was the Siciliana Piatto. Siciliana & Beau Jardin 23 Misr-Helwan Road Maadi, opposite Cairotel Tel: 2359 6305 Lunch for two: LE110
