Restaurant review: Crocodile tears Gamal Nkrumah battles on gamely through a stringy steak "None of our dishes takes longer than 20 minutes to prepare," a young man plaintively pronounced in a posh not so colloquial Cairo upper crust accent. I took this to be a bit of kitchen banter from the chef, as this was after all a fast food restaurant. I suppose he fancied he would cut a pretty convincing figure dashing off to return minutes later with a pretty revolting slab of rib eye steak. I guess he blushed as I looked on disapprovingly at what did look indeed like a scaly crocodile hide. The Crocodile Grill is, alas, your average fast food joint often encountered across the city. "Anyone can follow our recipes easily enough," he chuckled. All this, I guess, was leavened with Cairene good humour. Whisky Lake sandwich, at that particular moment, was a tempting option. "No whiskey, of course," the peculiar young man chortled. "This is a unique establishment, you see." The Crocodile Grill was as un-cathartic as it gets. Croco spicy chicken wings -- how predictable, I mumbled inaudibly. Southwest chicken pasta -- we've heard it all before. The pretentious airs of the place accentuated that scepticism we first encountered at the Crocodile Grill. The quesadilla was as un-authentic as it gets. The authentic Mexican ingredients are nowhere to be seen or detected by nose. Where is the hot chili habanero, the diced chili chipotle, and the pungent Mexican oregano? Everything was fresh ground beef, according to the dubious menu. The vegetables accompanying the steak were wilted and rather sad looking. The broccoli was a suspect phosphoric yellowish hue, the carrots a disgusting burnished copper and the courgettes a despicable grey. The meat was stringy and was drenched in a strange sauce, more sweet and sour than tomatillo salsa. The sauce was too intensely flavoured, though. And, I promptly removed it. Chopped mushroom fillet perhaps would have been a better choice. But I was taking no more chances: Crocodile the eatery might be, but it was neither suited for carnivores nor fit for fish eaters and vegetarians. The flavours were unimpressive, and the eatery reeked of rank fumes. The only faintly edible aside was the outsized mashed potato. The coarsely pounded potato was topped with a creamy, cheesy sauce, though. The size of the mash, like the steak itself, was colossal. The meat, presumably medium rare, was tasteless and foul smelling. Worse, it was impossible to carve. Five minutes into it and my right arm felt as if it was about to fall off. The salmon pasta, too, was unpalatable. Soft and soggy, it was a frightful gooey mix. I would have liked to inspect the expiry date of the frozen fish hastily tossed in the drooping and shriveled greens. My son pushed the detestable dish aside and asked if he could have a Big Mac instead. And, I hadn't the foggiest idea what the koo-koo roo burger was and declined to query the hapless waiter. Kangaroo meat, I guessed. No, koo-koo stands for chicken and forget about the roo. Good value food is a challenge in Cairo. This particular meal unfortunately was far from fun and, at more than LE100 a head, was far from good value. The headwaiter, or this odd chatterbox person, noticed our disappointment and he disappeared into the kitchen for a minute or two returning with a big smile and a piping hot brownie topped with a chocolate and vanilla ice cream. I was not expecting Mexican-inspired ice cream prepared with papaya and tequila. The brownies were buttery, not bad I suppose. The kids' menu wasn't bad either. The monster burger was most bizarre. The salmon platter and Chinese chicken salad sounded decidedly fishy. And, so did the Crocodile Grill. With the usual fast food staples such as kiddy sundae, kids burger, kids spagetti, finger food quesadillas, Mac n' cheese, Croco chicken sandwich, kids' hot dog, and all of these items are served with free soft drinks -- what a healthy start to life? My son enjoyed the games, though. The word search was nice and easy; spot the difference was tractable; and find your way through the maze was a piece of cake. Crocodile Grill Omar Ibn Al-Khattab Street, CityStars First Floor, 3137 Nasr City, Cairo Tel: 2480 2119
