Restaurant review: Nautical wedges Walk the twisted path and pay homage to the Serpent We are one of the most dedicated nations on earth. We aim to serve, aim to help, aim to please, but it all has to come with a dedication. The dedication takes the ubiquitous form of a plaque of cheap marble, the size of a small refrigerator door, bearing in questionable calligraphy the names of the dignitaries involved, or remotely involved, with a certain project. The refrigerator door is never tucked discretely to the side of the project in question. It has to get in the way of a period façade, an expensive restoration woodwork, or a subliminally landscaped scene. There it stands, not as a sign of gratitude and love, but as one of artistic callousness: "if you like what you see near me, it is not my fault!" Dahab's magnificent seafront now has a promenade. It is two miles long and still growing. The promenade is six to nine metres in width, of beige-to-orange fake stone. Its middle part, a blue strip 1.8 meters in width, slithers right and left, like a Serpent. The two-mile- long Serpent, I discovered, has supernatural power. One sign of the Serpent's power is that it impels you to walk it, that is, to zigzag your way with it, avoiding the surrounding beige parts. The urge is strongest when no one is looking. The zigzagging can increase your distance of walking by 20 to 30 per cent (depending on whether you cut corners or remain faithfully in the middle of the blue strip, which I find too puritan). It is also said to have a healing influence, but this can be obtained in full only if you repeat a mantra involving the names of the three most powerful lower-middle-range bureaucrats in your nearest municipal council. Another sign of the Serpent's power is that it calls for multiple dedications. There are three marble fridge doors adorning the Serpent. One commemorates the construction of an elegant wooden bridge traversing what used to be a muddy flood path. Another, near Nesima Hotel, celebrates the completion of stage one of the promenade. A third, commemorating stage two, is 444 steps away if you walk the Serpent, or 333 steps if you don't (I am not telling you what to do). My black magic sources assure me that the secret society of Dahab planners is aware that the Serpent expects further dedications along its path. The restaurant/bar that makes the best potato wedges in Sinai occupies a visible spot on the shore. Tota is midway between the dedicated bridge and the undedicated police station. The façade of the police station now declares that "Police and the nation are in the service of the law." This announcement has for sometime now replaced the utterly unacceptable old slogan of "Police is in the service of the people." I personally wish to donate a very cheap marble plaque the size of a barn gate to the author of the new slogan. Unfortunately, he remains anonymous, perhaps on orders from the Serpent. Tota is built to resemble a ship. It has billiard and baby-foot tables on the ground floor and a deck, complete with ropes, masts, and a rusting lantern on the top floor. In the enclosed area downstairs, there is a mural of Dahab as it was two decades ago (when it was reportedly the site of the annual convention of regional witches). The establishment has two consistently pleasant snack plates. One is the potato wedges that come thick as a fridge door and delicately crunchy, like the accent of Bedouin girls selling beads for more fun than money. The other is the grilled vegetables, a selection of crisp munchies that will make a cold beer slither down the hatch of an afternoon thirst like a divine Serpent at peace at last with our kind of world. If hungry, go for the reliable burger (home-made) or club sandwich. Tota, restaurant and bar, Dahab, (069 640014), open 8am to 3am, offers reliable snacks and sandwiches in a nautical ambience. Lunch for four, LE130 By Nabil Shawkat
