When we are heartbroken, we need somebody to stand by our side. Rasha Sadek is there for you It happens to all of us. At some point in our lives, we come to experience the bitter taste of heartbreak. We start by weeping over puppy love, school love or teenage love, when we are still too young to have learned that the world is not necessarily kind to us, and that bad things will happen to us too. But depression, tears and heartache pass too. They are not the path we have to walk for the rest of our lives. If we learn anything from our experience, it's that we have to move on, and at some point we will let go. My dad used to tell me that all things start small and grow bigger, except for sorrow, which starts big and gets smaller over time. My dad was right. Healing emotional injuries requires that we regain our footing -- our sense of emotional and social competence. When we experience a personal injury, we often suffer a loss of pride, integrity and self-image. In order to recover, what we need to do is surround ourselves with familiar people and comforts that we know and love. A traumatised 23-year-old Sara spills her story to the world. "My boyfriend betrayed me in front of my eyes!" she says in shock. "Although it's been over a year now, I still can't get the image out of my head," she continues, her voice shot through with disbelief. Whatever the reasons that drove Mr Loyal to cheat on his partner (in this case, his insatiable genes), Sara needs to find a remedy for her current state. "I thought I'd get over what happened, but it doesn't seem to end. I can no longer trust anyone. To me, every man is a big liar. I very much doubt love exists anymore, at least for me." Al-Ahram Weekly took Sara's case to Anwar El-Etribi, professor of neurology and psychiatry at Ain Shams University, for analysis and advice. He believes time is the best healer, and that peer groups can provide enormous support. "When we're in love, we're blind. We suffer heartbreaks due to lack of experience, and it is experience which can help us to avoid them." If you can learn to look at the bright side, the weaknesses of the past will become the weapons of the future. There's so much one can do to avoid being in Sara's shoes. And it all starts with making a good choice. Think first, love next. Some kinds of grief cannot be avoided, however. Ahmed watched his girlfriend die in a car accident two years ago, and fear of love still haunts him. He is afraid he might do injustice to the next girl he commits to by constantly comparing her with the woman he lost. El- Etribi comments that "losing someone you love to death can suspend emotional love for a very long time." But it's important to realise that "every woman is a different woman, and that love can replace sorrow and grief." Just don't be afraid to love, advises El- Etribi. In certain cases of heartbreak, tradition rules. Many classic novels recount how the rich fall in love with the poor, and vice versa -- usually to disastrous effect. In general, it's the family of the rich partner who condemns their love to death. This is exactly what happened to Yasmine. "She is a victim of tradition," comments El-Etribi. "But social equivalence is no guarantee of happiness, either," he warns, adding that the oppression exercised by her parents may backfire one day. "Yasmine may well end up rebelling against them in even more violent ways." Emotional loss or injury can have a serious impact. In addition to losing the relationship, we also tend to feel a loss of connection to the people, places and things that we had previously valued and held in high esteem. Symptoms include stress, withdrawal from social gatherings, loss or gain of weight, lack of sleep, losing interest in studying or working, and fits of anger and crying. However, the commonest feeling resulting from emotional loss is simply the conviction that you are falling apart and that you will never experience life the same way again. So what can we do when we find ourselves in this situation? Often, the initial step is simply to redirect our energy. Try these simple tips: they work. Establish where you feel most competent. What gives you the highest level of self-esteem? The greatest sense of accomplishment? How do you care for yourself? Take new chances and do new things. Psychotherapy can also help a lot with heartbreaks. Professional help from psychiatrists prevents "moments of foolishness" that can overwhelm a young soul, such as the desire to commit suicide or take drugs in order to forget. El- Etribi has some ideas to share on this subject: "We should have telephone hot lines managed by professional helpers to deal with these 'moments'. Group or individual therapy should also be made available in schools, universities and clubs." The heartbroken need support, someone they can turn to, and who can advise them on the right things to do. If psychotherapy is the second line of defence, then the first line is manned by family and friends. It is their hugs that heal. In the family, the mother is the first-aid emergency kit. We've all had our share of crying in bed late at night when silence and darkness enfold the corners of the room. A mother's hug tells us somebody cares and is there to take care of us. A good friendship with our parents gives us another perspective on our problems: a more mature one, which can help us see the bigger picture. This doesn't apply to girls only, either. Sharing your burden with a friend or a family member can help guys too, clearing the mind and heart to receive new ideas where they were previously blinded by heartache. Support is the key to getting over a lost love and healing the wounds. Some people who find psychotherapy off-putting resort to books instead. They regard a book as a soul healer. But can texts really help us, and if so, to what extent? One book which has helped many people work through the stages of separation, grief and recovery is Starting Again by Sara Litvinoff. The author begins by reminding us that "when a relationship finishes it can feel like the end of the world, but it is also a new beginning." Tony Bates's Depression -- The Common Sense Approach also devotes space to analysing post-separation depression, outlining the symptoms both common and unusual and providing readers with the tools to deal with them. In general, books that deal with heartbreak guide you through the basic elements of the situation. They help you assess what went wrong in your relationship, and point out unhealthy patterns you're unconsciously repeating. They also contain pointers on how to rebuild your happiness and confidence, and launch out into a new social life. Other books, however, take you to the second level. Works such as The Amazing Results of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale and Phillip McGraw's Life Strategies can show you how to take responsibility for your life, regain your confidence and self-esteem, and break free from self-destructive habits. However, El-Etribi believes that depending on books for self-healing is a sign of withdrawal and escape from reality. Understanding the problem isn't necessarily the same as solving it, and theory is not always applicable in practice. Instead, stressing the importance of the first line of defence, he says, "good friends can do a lot, especially in somewhere like Egypt, where social support is very strong." The most important thing, however, is to remember that heartbreak may be difficult, but it is not the end of the world. You've still got your share of happiness and joy in store for you, so don't blow it by locking yourself up in lamentations over the past. And don't be afraid to love again. After all, the act of giving to those we love is like a shining star, and it's beautiful to be a star. Getting through the first weeks: 1. Do not call him/her EVER! 2. Go to the gym... redirect your energy elsewhere. I know you don't want to get out of the house, but imagine his/her reaction when they see an improved you! (That's just an excuse, of course, because you know they don't deserve you anyway). 3. Retail therapy! Buy stuff to make you look more desirable. 4. Go clubbing! Force yourself to look pretty... So what if you're not a clubber?! You'll receive many self-boosting comments. 5. Give yourself over to religious devotion. You'll feel more at peace with yourself than before. 6. Friends! They are the ones who will always stand by you, for better or worse. 7. If in the end you are still feeling as depressed as before, seek counselling. Therapists will take care of you and tell you what to do.
