Amira El-Noshokaty chants woman and de-stress Think of how often you turn into the worst version of yourself. Drained out, automated, you work your life away, your interaction with fellow human beings reduced to loud instructions; how often, as a result, do you find yourself bursting into tears? Nine school girl friends found a solution in the form of a monthly reunion. They were eager to share their experience with Al-Ahram Weekly, but only on condition of anonymity. Husbands and children should have been fulfilment enough; yet, most of these women had instituted the reunion with the express purpose of simply seeing each other and reminiscing about the old times -- "we realised we missed each other" -- and the ritual was on the point of degenerating into an empty social courtesy when they realised that, their differences notwithstanding, they all shared one thing -- stress. "My feeling is that there is no such thing as freedom in this society," avowed Lady A, a single woman. "My parents continue to control my life as if I was a little girl. There are times when I can't stand the idea of going home, it chokes me. So I drive on and on for hours -- so long I often find myself in Alexandria. I cry my eyes out on the way. Then I go home and sleep." The first-born, Lady A had to give up her artistic interests to run the family business; and though the most overworked member of the family, her gender imposes limitations on personal space, with no option to move out. For her part, Lady B took the prescribed route out and landed with an understanding enough husband and two children she adores, but what with her share of domestic responsibilities and a full-time job, life adds up to just as much stress: "If I am upset or I feel like crying, that too must be scheduled -- usually at the end of the day, in bed when I am completely alone. Such is my lifestyle." Lady B cannot see a way out until age 60: "I've had to work to earn my keep since age 19; and I've enjoyed every single job I've undertaken, mind you, until recently when the workload became so heavy I've come to do it for the money, and because there is too much at stake to quit. When I'm retired, finally, I will be paid without having to work, and my children too will have grown up and have their own lives..." Likewise for Lady C: marriage is no walk in the park. "With barely any time to breathe," she explains, "I have suffered severe depression. It's the concept of sharing tasks that did it. My husband loves our children but when it comes to sharing responsibilities, he tends to do as his father did, stopping short of anything but playing with the kids. I think when children are born, the motherly instinct takes over and men are left in solitude, as it were..." Whereas Lady C may reach a compromise yet -- there is evidence of a growing shared space and "quality couple time", she says -- the life of a single mother like Lady D is the very definition of burden: "There is no such thing as free time, except on Fridays when my daughter spends the whole day with her father. My parents are not too keen on sharing the burden, nor am I very good at being with others; so hectic is the pace of my life that once I have a moment I want to spend it alone. Only then I end up getting extremely lonely. 'How are you' is a phrase I haven't heard for years. My home phone seldom rings. I once left my daughter for a whole week at my mother's, to take time to relax. I spent it all in bed, crying." Overworked though she shares paternal responsibilities with a cooperative husband, Lady E argues that it helps, most of all, not to focus on distress: "One can take the physical exhaustion, but only if one is content -- far from the case. That's why, in the little time I have for myself, I choose not to think too hard, I cheer myself up." Yet as far as psychiatrist Safaa Abdel-Qader is concerned, ignoring the source of stress the better to cope with it can be detrimental; balance is what is required: "Capacity for enduring stress varies from one person to another, irrespective of gender. For women in particular, though, motherhood and household responsibilities can multiply the load." And the answer is -- personal space. A hobby, a sport, music and movies, a regular gathering with friends: all can help relieve the tension and maintain balance. But, Abdel-Qader warns, the other extreme can be as bad: where stress is not contained, it can result in a range of symptoms from chronic boredom to anxiety, obsessive worrying to depression. In such cases a balanced lifestyle is required; it is not enough to talk about it over coffee. The subject must learn to reduce her load by saying no to extra obligations: "Seeking therapy can also empower you to achieve balance..." Certainly an early group e-mail, shared between the nine ladies soon after they discovered each other as a means to breaking the deadly routine, would seem to corroborate this line of thinking: "Woke up at six in the morning to child screaming for no reason. Comforted her to sleep and I could not... I was so frustrated, angry and depressed, and for the first time decided to do something to make me feel better, and not to give in. I got dressed, gave my darling husband a kiss, went down for a coffee, read the papers, forgot everything for an hour, passed by dance and fitness class, enquired about yoga classes. On my way to work, I brought my husband breakfast and a flower, with a thank-you note for giving me time to breathe. Taking care of oneself makes one capable of giving more to the loved ones."
