“Spartacus” is a bad ballet because it is about a bad man. I will assume you are going to ask me “Why?” so I'll tell you “because his character on the silver screen was played by Kirk Douglas, who is a bad man.” Knowing you, you are going to wonder “why” again and I will reveal the mystery and say that he is the father of Michael Douglas, who is a bad man. Correction… Michael is the WORST man, because he married Catherine Zeta-Jones, whom I wanted to marry since childhood – my childhood, that is. I still feel very bitter about their marriage, so I decided to slag off the ballet called “Spartacus,” which was recently performed at Cairo Opera House's Main Hall, by the Cairo Opera Ballet Company and the Cairo Opera Orchestra, conducted by the incredible Nayer Nagui. This is where a little devil appears on my left shoulder and urges me to be nasty. I don't need him to tempt me – I've never been fair to anyone in my life, so why I should start now. The ballet was BAD… OK, not really. In fact it was brilliant. Are you happy now? The plot is about Spartacus, who was a gladiator slave and led his fellow slaves in an uprise against the Roman tyrants for a couple of years before he was finally killed. This made him a legend and even in the last scene of the ballet he stood tall and raised his head high after they killed him – I assumed that the director didn't want him to die because he had more shows to perform, but I was told that it was kind of symbolic – Spartacus turned into an immortal legend. Obviously a lot of hard work was invested in these shows. I even heard that many of the dancers were seriously injured during the rehearsals, but most of them are OK now. I was going to attend the Monday performance with friends but three days earlier I was at the Cairo Opera House, where I bumped into brilliant ballet dancer Hany Hassan, who insisted that I must attend one of his performances. As you might know, they take turns in playing the lead role. I couldn't reject his kind invitation and decided to attend on Sunday. Now I regret it, because Hany is a bad man and you will know why in a minute… or an hour – that depends on how fast you are reading this column. After the show I had a talk with “Bad Man Number Four,” also known as “Hany,” who said; “this ballet was choreographed by Valentin Yelizariev and it was the first time ever for our own Ballet Company to perform it.” Then he moved to the more important point “It's the same story happening again – you hate Michael Douglas because he didn't let you marry Catherine and you hate me because I will never allow you to marry my daughter.” Now you know that I have a crush on his one-year old gorgeous daughter Malak. Have it your way Hany. Since you don't want to be my in-law I will tell the whole world that you are an outlaw! Now you know that Hany is a “bad man.” Other wonderful dancers who took part in the performance I attended were Olga Dirda, who played Spartacus's woman “Phrygia,” Zurab Mikeladze as the bad Roman man “Crassus” and many more talented people. The list includes Hazem Zakaria, Aly Mahmoud, Michael Youssef and Mahmoud Atef. I also have to mention the unsung heroes – Set Designer Mahmoud Haggag and Lighting Designer Reda Ibrahim. Their work was extremely impressive. What would a ballet be without music? I think something like a seafood restaurant that doesn't serve fish! OK, I know a very good Italian restaurant just around the corner and we can order some… first let me finish the review. In case you didn't know, the music was composed by Prokofiev, but in case you knew… then I'll have to tell the truth – it was composed by Khachaturian. Frankly, I totally forgot that credit should have been given to the latter and kept telling everyone that this is one of Prokofiev's best works. Then suddenly I realized that it was neither among his best nor among his works! Who cares? They were both active in the 20th century. Judging by this, someone might confuse Stalin with Marilyn Monroe! I spoke with the orchestra's conductor, Nayer Nagui, who happens to be the best Maestro in Egypt. That's my opinion and I dare anyone to argue! I call that “freedom of speech,” which means I'm free to say whatever I want and also free to make others “speechless”! Seriously, Nayer is the best and I think I once mentioned that the orchestra always sounds better whenever he conducts it. Even the brass section, which usually sounds bad, sounded perfect on that evening. Nayer, also known as “Good Man Number One,” said; “the effort made by ballet dancers was exceptional. It took them two months of very hard work. The orchestra as well made an amazing effort; for instance, we had eight rehearsals in a week.” Then, he told me one of his childhood secrets – he is afraid of spiders and… well, that wasn't exactly what he said, especially because he wasn't a child in 2007, when the movie “300” was released! “Ever since the day I watched that film, I wanted to work on the music of “Spartacus.” However, I was supposed to conduct “The Pirate,” which is scheduled for April and “Spartacus” was assigned to another conductor, who later had to decline and then I was asked to do it, only three days before the rehearsals started. Usually it takes three or four weeks to prepare for such a work.” Have I told you that “Spartacus” was Nayer's third ballet after “Bolero”and “Romeo and Juliet”? Now you know. At the end of the show, its Artistic Supervisor and head of the Cairo Opera House, Dr. Abd Al-Moneim Kamel, seemed to be very happy with the orchestra's output that he personally led Nayer by the arm to the stage. Actually I've never seen any orchestra conductor getting that reaction from the audience. Speaking of the audience, the hall was relatively crowded that evening, in a country that is not very fond of ballet performances and it was obvious that “Spartacus” was highly enjoyed by all. Knowing that Egypt has brilliant artists, like those who take part in that work, makes me very proud. Before I go, I just want to scandalize one Dina Negm – I had some extra copies from the program that I wanted to give to my friends who were going to attend on the following evening. SHE TOOK THEM FOR HER FRIENDS. Can I call that “program abuse?” Now it's time for an uprise against Dina!Send me your weapons to: [email protected]
