The breakdown of communication between couples is one of the key triggers of divorce. Rania Khallaf investigates how to bring quality conversation back into the home It is an all too familiar scene: the husband positioned in his usual spot on the sofa while the wife hovers nearby; or the wife on the phone all evening while the husband is out with his friends. The transition from newly-wed passion to silent partnership is said to happen fast -- one day there is talk and the relationship is smooth, the next there is friction. "It's the most common thing", says television announcer Ragaa Ibrahim of the Egyptian Satellite Channel. "Too often couples invest in their work and in themselves, but they invest no time in [making] their relationship grow." Instead, they get caught up in the rest of their life -- cafes, restaurants, the buzzing Cairene social scene, and, for women, the phone. The result is the fading of talk and the emergence of what is known as the "silent" divorce -- the pre- divorce period during which common activities cease and communication comes to a halt. Statistics testify to the fact that divorces are increasing steadily. According to the Central Agency for Public Mobilisation and Statistics (CAPMAS) while marriage contracts declined from 579,000 in 2001 to 513,000 in 2002, divorce cases increased from 68,000 in 2001 to 70,000 in 2002. CAPMAS figures show that in 1970 divorce ended seven per cent of marriages, in 1980 the figure rose to 25 per cent, and in 2000, 40 per cent. One of the main triggers for filing for divorce, experts say, is the breakdown of communication. Nader Hilal, a director at the Nile Variety Channel, got married seven years ago. "After only two years we decided to separate," he says. "At first we had non-stop clashes. I was more interested in cinema and reading, and she was immersed in her academic work" he says, adding, "with time we hardly had anything to talk about." Despite having a young child, the couple separated and are planning to divorce. Looking back, Hilal, 35, admits he was a bad listener. The couple were from disparate backgrounds and had opposing cultural and social perspectives. The only way to end their differences was to end the marriage. Unfortunately this route has become a trend for those couples not able or willing to take the time and energy to work things out constructively. Sanaa Mahmoud, a retired civil servant, says that the absence of discussion is a definite problem. "It is me who is keen to start [the] dialogue every time," she says, "my husband, also retired a long time ago, prefers to go to the club or read the papers. We barely talk, unless there is a serious issue or debate on TV." It is something she often hears friends lament -- the silent husband, his sofa and his remote control. While women may blame their sullen husbands for the marital breakdown, in reality -- as the cliché goes -- it takes two to tango. Pamela Halebradely, a specialist in Transformative Mediation (a new branch of Conflict Mediation Theory) from Landegg University in Switzerland says critical dispute resolution methods can be adopted as an alternative to resorting prematurely to court. "If we look at conflict resolution as a decision-making process, we will have more choices all the time," she says. Halebradely's approach focusses, in essence, on compromise; couples work towards ultimately agreeing to disagree on certain elements and aspects of their personal beliefs and perspectives. But such understanding is only the result after much talk and hard work -- the part that people tend to skip. "We have too many worries today," says taxi driver Mahmoud Bayoumi. "Social relations were better in the past because prices were low, life was easier and people were friendlier." Army officer Hisham Mahmoud echoes Bayoumi. He says that he has established a continuing dialogue with his wife, but it generally revolves around economic hardships, soaring prices and job disputes. When asked about the presence of "healthy dialogue", his wife's response is abrupt. "Yes, we talk all the time, is this what you are asking about?" This, Halebradely suggests, is part of the problem. "Lots of dialogues are not real dialogues," she says. "They may look like dialogues but they are mere talking." So, are there then certain rules for a healthy dialogue? "Dialogue has to be transparent, partners should have true willingness to listen to some challenging ideas, a new input, and then come up with a new decision or strengthen the decision they have already made." Dialogue between partners, Halebradely adds, should be based on contributing ideas. "We should learn how to express our opinions and feelings. When one partner is faced with the continual refusal of his opinion from the other, then over time he/ she will come to learn not to express or change his opinions based on what he thinks is going to be acceptable." She adds that healthy dialogue, therefore, should be based on empowerment and recognition; understanding the true and inherent potential of the individual and encouraging one's partner to express this potential. Couples should talk not only about the day-to- day happenings in their life, but also about more fundamental issues. For real "growth" to occur, couples have to grow together and learn from each other. In an effort to tackle this issue and raise awareness in society, Ragaa Ibrahim created a talk show called "Secrets of Houses" on the satellite channel, ART. The programme's intention was to have couples discuss the problems that are usually kept behind closed doors on air. "The problem," she says, "is that most of such programmes tend to be mere 'shows', not a real dialogue. Guests usually come to the show with previous and fixed beliefs and have no intention to change or even discuss them." Farag Ahmed, professor of psychology at Ain Shams University, says the modern, increasingly global world only adds to silence in the home. "Modern technological devices, such as computers, the Internet, and satellite cables support isolation," he says. "Communication among human beings in general is receding. If we examined the number of phrases traded among people these days, we will find that they are diminishing in comparison with the beginning of the last century. If you watch any soap opera, you will notice that there's hardly any dialogue between a husband and wife." Psychologists such as Ahmed suggest that every family should assign a weekly day for meeting and talking about their plans and problems as well as distributing household tasks. "The absence of democracy and a real social movement, an authentic cultural and religious dialogue, in addition to confiscating books and curbing freedom have reflected unsurprisingly on the society as a whole", he says, explaining that the imbalance of power, creates an imbalance of communication. Psychiatrist Ahmed Okasha, president of the World Psychiatric Association, says that the problem of a lack of communication between partners is something he is increasingly seeing among his patients. "In most cases, both partners fail to keep the arousal activating system in process" he says. "Every marital couple thinks that marriage is the end of their pursuit for life, so each partner deals with the marital relationship as a status quo, with no more changes, though it should be the beginning of a continual warm relationship with each one exerting effort to please the other." "Monotony is the killer of happiness and communication. It produces apathy and definitely leads to lack of communication among couples", Okasha says. His advice is to fight monotony using every available means. "Couples should change the pattern of their life, attack routine by innovative, new ideas, and by building a social network of common friends" he says. "Hobbies should not be dropped of our daily life, because they have a magic effect in combating daily routine".
