Weddings... these are things that people enjoy because they are happy occasions, at least for some. While the bride, groom and their close friends enjoy weddings, the in-laws moan and curse their bad luck for having that horrible person as a new family member. Several comments are always made about the family of ‘that person' as well! Sometimes we get to hear them months or years after the marriage. You will also find at every wedding elderly guests who attend just for the sake of criticising everything and everyone. They never miss the opportunity to attend an event that makes them feel superior. I believe such people are in bad need of therapy. The worst thing about weddings is bumping into me. Yes, I give everyone a hard time and I might even review the event! I believe therapy is useless in my case. On the first of the month, I attended a very special wedding and I will keep it special by not writing about it. On Saturday, I went to another wedding and this one I will write about, even though I haven't gone yet! It is still Saturday morning and frankly I was going to a street concert in Zamalek but when I heard that the police club was on fire, I knew that the roads would be blocked. One of the performers said he was not sure they were going to play, so I thought there was no point in being stuck in the traffic for ages to go to a cancelled performance. So, I have decided to write about this wedding instead. You have every right to know about it because both the bride and groom work for The Egyptian Gazette! People here have a principle – once they start working for this paper, their lives should be shared with the readers. I've just made that up because I have no principles whatsoever! The bride was the very nice Zeinab Saber and I should say ‘Hi' to her brother, Mohamed. He is my best friend... well, we met once and that was years ago. The groom is the evil Ahmed Kamel... Ooops, sorry I've mentioned his name, which is not to be spoken... just like Lord Voldermort of Harry Potter fame. Back to Mrs Voldermort, the poor bride. Her father's name is Saber and in Arabic that means ‘patient'. Well, it takes a very patient man indeed to tolerate Ahmed. Bye for now. I have a wedding to review! I am back and in one piece. Now it is time to give you the details. I went to the wedding with my Algerian friend Mohamed Farouq Toualbia, who is more of a brother than a good friend. It was at Al-Fath Mosque in Ramses Square and probably a mosque is the only place where Ahmed wouldn't bite a guest's head off. Zeinab cried, I think. The poor girl knew she would be forever doomed and haunted, but it was too late to regret it. Will someone please call the exorcist? Nevertheless she is a smart girl – someone took Ahmed's fingerprints and probably sent them to the FBI or something. Nice try, but there's only so much that the FBI can do and this is not their field of expertise. I think Zeinab should check his history in the X-Files. I know a lot about Ahmed. He was born in 1427, four years before people claim he was born. Being the ultimate vampire, he is constantly chased by Van Helsing, Blade, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Slayer (the band) and so on. Hence he keeps changing his identity. When he first cursed The Egyptian Gazette with his presence he had an ‘Interview with a Vampire'. His favourite artist is Ozzy Osbourne, who bit off the head of a real bat on stage. His debut film was The Brides of Dracula and who would have thought that our cute vampire would realise his dream in 2013? Ahmed's countless achievements include starting World War I in 1914 and World War II in 1939. Those who say that Bruce Lee and Elvis Presley are still alive might be right. He kidnapped them! He is currently working on something evil and is also preparing for Return of the Mummy Volume 78, in which he will play the roles of the mummy, daddy and 17 children. There's no end to Ahmed's talents, but there is an end to this priceless article. Zeinab, in case of emergency please dial 910, which comes before 911 and might be more effective. Remember to wear garlic and have a cross near you. This article proves that I am the best friend anyone could ever have... if they can. Don't provoke me, because I could be the worst enemy as well. See you at 5:20am for the duel! Send me your wedding invitation to: [email protected]
