CAIRO - Although I think Shakespeare was a real genius I think he shouldn't have been allowed to write anything when he was hungry. What kind of a person could call a play Omelette? What? Wasn't it called Hamlet? OK, if you say so. But still, William (Shakespeare to you) made countless mistakes that I would never tolerate. For instance, didn't he rip off the title of a song and named one of his plays after it? Yes, he wrote something called Midsummer Night's Dream and we all know that ‘Summer Nights' was sung by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. Shakespeare could have chosen something a little obscure, instead of a hit from the greatest musical ever – ‘Grease' – which was released in 1978. Mmm, now you are saying that Shakespeare wrote his play centuries ago? OK. Next thing you are going to tell me that he wrote The Merchant of Venice before Venice was built... Do you have anything to say about that? Wasn't his work The Tempest inspired by the Scorpions' track ‘Rock You like a Hurricane'? Don't tell me he hasn't heard it millions of times on the radio and in rock concerts in Cairo and Alexandria. What about Romeo and Juliet? We all know that Dire Straits released a song with that title and it's unethical to write a play with the same name. After all, the name Juliet is a very common one, just like the one the late and great Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees used to name one of his best solo singles. Why didn't Shakespeare think of something more original? Even his sister – yes, Shakespear's Sister – wasn't happy with his old-fashioned methods and she publicly said ‘You're History'. He even couldn't spell her name correctly, writing the letter ‘e' at the end of the word – Shakespeare. So are you saying that Shakespear's Sister was a duo and not his real sister? What about UB40? Didn't this band release an album called ‘Labour of Love'? Why did William write a play called Love's Labour's Lost? This is too much! We all know that the Beatles were a very successful band from England, just like Shakespeare, but that doesn't give him the right to write a play and name it after Beatle John Lennon without asking his permission first. Yes, the play King John. Does this mean that Richard II and Richard III were about Beatle Ringo Starr, whose real name is Richard Starkey? Incidentally, Beatle Paul McCartney turned 70 yesterday. Can you believe it? It seems like ‘Yesterday' that he used to run up ‘The Long and Winding Road' that leads to ‘Penny Lane' and... this is not the right time to be silly so, happy birthday, Sir Paul. Enough of Paul and let's ‘Get Back' to William, but since we were talking about music, I should tell you that The Smiths didn't think much of Shakespeare's work and even made him a song called ‘William, It Was Really Nothing'. Why did he name another one of his works after Italian singer Eros Ramazzotti? Yes he wrote ‘The Comedy of Eros'... Ah, is it called The Comedy of Errors? Never mind. Of course one of the biggest scandals of all time was Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. I raised hell when he published this particular play. This name is not a very common one and I still don't know why he chose it, especially as one of my brilliant songs is called ‘Caesar'? This only proves that William Shakespeare has been copying my works. Hold on... does that mean I was around when he was still alive and I'm as old as he is? No way... maybe it was just telepathy or something. As for Antony and Cleopatra, it was about Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez, although they are not together anymore. Then again maybe it was written about the British female trio Cleopatra? I'm not really sure about that. Ripping off the works of others really makes me sick and, as Shakespeare suggested, I think I need a Titus Andronicus injection... or is it a tetanus injection? He was a really strange guy... everything about him was unusual, even his name – who would want to ‘shake' a ‘pear'? I'd rather eat one instead. He was also a big fan of cartoon characters, one of them being Timon from The Lion King and I guess that's why he wrote Timon of Athens. For some strange reason he totally ignored Timon's best friend Pumbaa and wrote nothing at all about him. Racist! I believe it's time to behave like The Two Gentlemen of Verona. I seriously believe Shakespeare was the greatest ever and I'm a very big fan of his works. I studied some of his original plays at school and, despite my youthfulness back then, I was really amazed by this genius. I even thought I'd pay him a visit and went to his home... the house he was born in in Stratford-upon-Avon, but I was told he died a few centuries before I arrived. Still, I saw his cradle and bought some souvenirs. Was that on the Twelfth Night of my visit? I don't quite remember, but I always believe that All's Well That Ends Well. This is an indication that I'm going to end the article but, before I go, have one more thing to say – Shakespeare once said “To be or not to be... that is the question" and recently many Egyptians have been saying “To vote or not to vote... that is the election'. John Lennon said “So this is Christmas and what have you done? Another year's over and a new one just begun." I say “We've had elections and now that they're done, I don't know whom you voted for, I've voted for... none." Send me your voting forms to: [email protected]
