Restaurant review: Rendez-vous Ouch, Cupid! How many times must I say those arrows really hurt? You want to take her on a romantic outing where you can profess your undying love without interruptions, looking deep into her eyes and caressing her hand with your thumb? You want to take him where he can express the gush of emotion he felt on opening that red box with a red ribbon and red hearts and accompanied by a red card, onto which, surely with a red glitter pen, you elegantly inscribed how the world makes sense now that you are together. It's Valentine's, after all. And all that matters in the next few days is preparing for the morning of 14 February. Am I right or am I right? Well, I know a little place that will fit in just perfectly with your plans. You see, the idea is not how expensive or posh, nor even how rare or different; the idea behind the perfect Valentine's venue is to be somewhere comfortable, quiet, and where the general karma gears you towards effective (even when silent) expressions of affection. Which is why I have picked Mermaid's to review this week -- if only by way of answering all those calls I've been getting, with friends and acquaintances desperately seeking counsel on an appropriate venue in which to celebrate. Mermaid's has been around for longer than many of those reading this review, and the trials and tribulations of being a pioneer little corner in the quiet district of Maadi have only enhanced the management's experience. It has well-trained waiters who will flash soothing smiles at you any time they come near your table, if you happen to be looking for such, that is -- but who are also well-versed in the art of inconspicuousness and know when to take their distance. The menu is elaborate, a rich diversity, yet not one of those that necessitate emptying the brain of all other concerns in order to find what you want on a hideously long list of options. Fear not, you will promptly find something delicious even as the remaining 98 per cent of your mind is busy rehearsing the amorous phraseology you are about to put to the test. For traditionalists, the Chicken Pane at Mermaid's acquired a national reputation years ago that has only perfected the outcome since, as well as enlarging the portions tremendously. The fries that come on the side of that huge plate are gold and crisp, just perfect for sharing during the terribly charged silence of that special post-gift-exchange moment. In the calm of the simple yet chic interior, you will see that the tables are laid out to offer seclusion, allowing you to forget that anyone beyond the two of you exists. And no, you will not need to call the waiter back for a steak knife should you order any of the juicy options on this category of the menu, for they are well prepared and know what you need before you have looked their way. My personal favourite in this department is the Mushroom and Pepper Steak, which combines the traditionally separated sauces into one succulent amalgamation. Both mushrooms and black peppers will come in copious amounts, and the vegetables sitting on the side of your tender stake will be bright and fresh, with the little butter tossed in making a fabulous accompaniment to the mashed potatoes. A word of advice for the ladies: please refrain from pigging out completely on the day or it might be the last time you see that precious partner. And gents: attention to the cutie sitting opposite you will be required regardless of how much you enjoy your meal. Remember why you are there -- for Valentine's, not for your stomach. Let's please make this a successful beginning rather than a sacrifice of budding love at the altar of Mermaid cuisine. Dessert time will eventually come, however long you wish for the outing to last, and here I will insist that you go for chocolate. Chocolate cake, chocolate ice-cream: I am letting you have your say on the details, secure in my awareness that I am sending you to a place where they know the significance of a good end to a meal. If you can get all messy with the chocolate sauce and laugh about it, at least you'll know you've picked the right Valentine's date in the end. Mermaid Road 9, Maadi By Injy El-Kashef
