So you still think "love is never having to say you're sorry"? This was a catchphrase in the 1970s movie Love Story based on the best-selling novel by Erich Segal. The phrase caught fire but in reality it really has no meaning. Quite the contrary, young lovers are so tender, so amorous, so precarious, so mindful of each other's feelings, than any other group. Fearful to lose that exhilarating feeling, they are always apologising for everything and nothing. They say I'm sorry a hundred times more often than they say "I love you." Love is having to say "you're sorry", not to risk losing it. Forgiveness is always the best form of love. We are imperfect people and we invariably hurt the ones we love. Apologising and forgiving is the glue that mends broken relationships, not only among lovers, but among friends, colleagues, and family. Relationships cannot go forward until atonement has been made by the perpetrator and absolution has been granted by the victim. Apologies, however, are not easy. Our ego gets in the way. Admission that what you did was wrong is an admission of guilt. Saying sorry is meant to make us feel vulnerable. There is embarrassment and perhaps even shame. Even if you realise you have behaved badly, a defence mechanism kicks in to rationalise your actions and make you feel better. We try to get around it by not apologising directly but by using some rationale such as "What a shame this happened," or "it is unfortunate that." You make excuses, which only means you lack the ability to embrace another person's feelings or perspective, which makes saying you are sorry virtually impossible. Why apologise at all? Because human behaviour is inter-dependent. We need to apologise when we have breached someone's trust; caused pain. By validating the feelings of the wronged party an apology restores the relationship and shows care. Taking responsibility for a mistake is an admission of guilt. Politicians seldom do. An apology is a risky strategy for a public figure, no matter what he/she did or said. In a study by Richard Hananna, research fellow at Columbia University found that apologies by public figures, leaders, politicians, tend to backfire. The percentage of people less inclined to support the offender is larger than prior to an apology. An apology tends to decrease rather than increase overall support. The public does not even want an apology from figures they look up to, which is a puzzling dichotomy. One reason is affirmation, another reason is confirmation. People who dislike them, will dislike them even more. Those who did like him, an admission of wrong-doing is certainly no plus. It is smarter for public figures to remain silent, or change the subject. The cost of saying something is higher than the cost of staying silent. Aaron Lazare's book On Apology offers ample evidence that, "it is a wise tactic to put behind them at a minimal cost, the errors of their ways." A glaring example is Donald Trump's attitude who ignored all personal failures and sex scandals, and went on to be electrify Americans. Another example closer to home is the Suez Canal invasion that took place in 1956. Britain's Anthony Eden preferred to resign quietly rather than admit guilt. His resignation effectively closed the case in the merciless press. The incident was consigned to the history books. Nowadays, with the rise of social media and faster, more constant news cycles, the task is harder. Will Jennings of Southampton University has drawn out three easy steps: deny; acknowledge without accepting responsibility; find someone to take the blame. Politicians have evidently followed his advice. Most think it is easy to just say sorry, many, find it the most difficult thing on this planet. There is a slight difference between saying: "I'm sorry" and "I apologise." An apology is a formal admission of wrongdoing. A fake apology, sometimes known as a non-apology, backhanded apology or a faux apology is a statement in the form of an apology but does not express remorse. "Why apologise when you did nothing?" Another form of apology does not apologise directly but generally to anyone who might have been offended. Why are there such complicated feelings about apologies? Experts believe it implies shame, yet the key ingredient is sincerity. Do not make promises you cannot keep. There is a major problem with men. They struggle with apologising. In a 2010 article in Psychology Today, apologising is a matter of gender. Women apologise more often than men. Why? They have a tendency to aplologise for everything, even to someone suffering from a headache. Men think it's dumb to apologise for something that is not your fault. Admitting wrongdoing pushes men out of their comfort zone. In all cultures studied, men apologise less. A pair of surveys conducted at the University of Waterloo, Ontario, found that "men have a higher threshold for what situations warrant an apology." Men view apologies as humiliating and a loss of face. To acknowledge wrongdoing a man feels feel diminished, particularly to the woman he loves and whom he prefers to be perceived as a hero. What he does not realise is what he communicates is exactly the opposite. It is neither brave nor courageous to choose pride over the woman he loves. Just forget those egos. Simply say it. I'm sorry. It is not hard, it is an expression of true love. "To err is human; to forgive, divine" Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
*A version of this article appears in print in the 12 August, 2021 edition of Al-Ahram Weekly
