CAIRO - Why, why and why? Why did I attend two concerts in one week and found nothing to write about? Can you believe that the two performances were entirely different, held at two different places and still they were both too bad to review? I attended the first one hoping to review it, but decide not to because I had so many negative things to say about it and it would have bored you. A week later, I attended the second one and… copy and paste exactly the same thing happened again. Is this déjà vu or what? The first concert was a mix of many things pop, tango, ballads and even more styles. Ironically, two Arabic songs were thrown in as well. Sounds like a fruit cocktail, but you would have liked this only if you prefer expired cocktails all of the numbers performed were old ones and most of them aren't suitable for concerts. In other words, they are the kind of tracks we hear in the background somewhere in a hotel. This made me forget that I was in the middle of a concert and was about to call the waiter and ask what took him so long to bring me my drink! I seriously felt like I was sitting in the lobby. Band members were quite skilled but the female singer was out of everything key, tune and style. She didn't have any charisma on stage and stood there with a meaningless grin on her face several times throughout the performance! Once, as she started singing a Whitney Houston number, I thought to myself “that's professional suicide”. It seems that most of the people there didn't know much about music, because they were so impressed with her irritating performance and, as expected, she sang out of key several times as well. The same thing happened again with a Celine Dion cover. The finest thing I heard was what a friend called her ‘the Roland singer'. Roland is a very well-known brand of keyboards and it was probably the first to make a keyboard which could be used to play both Arabic and Western music. By pushing a button, one could switch and start playing the Arabic quarter tones that don't exist in Western music. My friend used that term when she sang Arabic numbers in the middle of this concert! As you might have noticed, I haven't mentioned any names because I seriously believe she doesn't deserve any exposure… even negative exposure. Enough of that and let's talk about the second concert, which had one main thing in common with the first one a bad female singer. So I will do the same thing again and will name no names. This time, the show was dedicated to hard rock, which made it totally unsuitable for the singer to read a poem she wrote between songs. It was not only quite shallow, but also very lengthy. Speaking of lengthy, she gave a lecture about what people should do if they love their country in the second half of the concert! She said things like, “If you love a girl, you check out her Facebook profile to learn more about her. So if you love your country, you should read more about the laws.” The concept is very admirable, but the nature and length of her speech were completely wrong. Out-of-tune singing and soulless performances were rife that evening. In my opinion, the most unprofessional thing she did was stopping the keyboard player after he started a song and saying, “I can't feel the intro. I don't like it.” Even if that were the case, no professional performer should say this to a fellow artist on stage in the presence of the audience. The poor man had to stop and play it all over again and I was thinking to myself “that's very embarrassing”. On a brighter note, if there is one… before I go I have to tell you this story. My good old friend tenor Tamer Tawfiq reminded me of a funny story recently… little did he know that I'd never forgotten it it's a classic. Years ago a female singer we both knew was hospitalised and he asked me “What's wrong with her?” I casually answered, “They've removed her prostate.” This might sound a bit nasty I know, but I was only joking. When she was discharged from hospital he saw her at the opera and, being a kindhearted man, he went up to her and said, “I glad you are fine now. Don't worry about what has happened. They have removed the gall bladder of Dr. So and So and she's fine now. I hope that the removal of your prostate won't cause you any problems.” The old woman was offended and much to Tamer's surprise she suddenly became mean to him. He didn't have a clue what was going on and started complaining to everyone, till he came across a soprano who asked him suspiciously, “Tamer, what exactly did you say to her?” He replied, “You will be OK without your prostate” and she said, “Tamer… prostates are only in bodies” and he didn't get it and said “OK.” So she explained “ONLY in male bodies.” Poor Tamer was dumbstruck and more or less two years later he was telling me the story which I knew nothing about at the time… I mean I didn't know he went to the old lady and told her so and so. He said, “Someone told me they'd removed her prostate” and I enquired, “Someone? That was me”. And of course he was about to strangle me and I couldn't stop myself from laughing hysterically and said, “I never thought you would believe it. Apparently it was a joke. If I told you they'd removed a man's womb, for instance, you would have instantly realised it was a joke. It's the same thing, man.” Send your biology books to Tamer at: [email protected]
