This is the end of Egypt's hope in Olympic medals! What a shame. Yes, I do have serious back problems. So now how will I win while listening to Whitney Houston's “One Moment in Time”? How will I knock out the world's heavy weight boxing champion while singing “Eye of the Tiger”? How will I run (in slow motion) to beat them all? Well, walking in slow motion is something I can do, does that count? Seriously, it seems that leaning over while sitting for ages and not exercising at all are getting to me. I wouldn't like this to happen to anyone so, beware the Ides of March… or something! Despite the fact that I'm going to end my athletic career, fellow artists went and made several songs about me and my back problem… I think! That's very thoughtful of them and I want to thank them all. I'll start with British artist Amy Clinic… I mean Amy Winehouse, who said that she is going “Back to Black”. First of all, with my current situation and her state of mind I believe Amy Clinic is a more appropriate name. Second thing, for my back MRI and X-Rays my back was to machines and a bed-like tube. British-American band the Pretenders had to tease me by singing “Back on the Chain Gang”. GO AWAY… I HATE YOU! Jackson 5, fronted by a young Michael at the time, said “I Want You Back”. Well, trust me I want the same thing too. A totally different “I Want You Back” was recorded by British pop trio Bananarama, which is not good for the back at all – when people step on a Bananarama peel they slip, fall down and might hurt their back. Oh sorry, in that case it's just a “banana” peel, so ignore the “rama” part. Thank you. Australian rockers AC/DC announced that they are “Back in Black”. What a coincidence? My back MRI and X-Rays are in black, so I know exactly what these guys mean! Soul II Soul made an impact with “Back to Life (However Do You Want Me)”. Well, I want you to be healthy and I also want my back to be back to life. Thank you for your concern. “Come Back” is the title of a number by British band the Mighty Wah. In my case it should be the Mighty Aaaaaaaaaah. That's just to express the intense pain that attacks me frequently these days. “Baby Come Back” was originally performed by the Equals, led by Eddy Grant and later covered by fellow British band UB40. I wish my spinal discs were equal-ly as good. As for UB40, this is the form I will need to fill pretty soon to get unemployment fare. Veteran Armenian-American singer Cher had a simple wish – she said “If I Could Turn Back Time” Cher, please don't moan and whine. You are lucky that you can still turn your back. “I'll Be Back” was the words the Beatles said. I am not willing to start a debate with those newcomers. However, I believe the title “I Want My Back” would have been a better choice. It seems that these four lads insist on provoking me… They went and made a song called “Back in the USSR”. How could someone leave their back in another country? Could people be that absent-minded? “Take Me Back to Cairo” is an old song. I think it was first recorded by Egyptian singer Karim Shoukry maybe in the early 1960s, but frankly I'm not sure. Nevertheless, it was quite popular here and it was also covered later by a couple of Egyptian artists. To me, the title makes more sense than the Beatles track mentioned in the paragraph above – at least the back will be in the same city I live in. British boy group Take That is still active and one of the best songs and also biggest hits the boys had is “Back for Good”. Apparently they couldn't call it “Back for Bad”. Having a healthy back is always good. Sir Mix A Lot claims that “Baby Got Back”. Good for her. I'm not sure I have one… it probably fell off and that's why I feel all this pain. In the movie “Terminator” Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I'll be back”. Who would dare argue with him? The man had high hopes – he was only wishing to be back. Hey Mr. Tiny, what about the rest of the body? “Plain X-Ray of the Lumbosacral Spine and Lateral Flexion Extension” and “MRI of the Lumbosacral Spine”. These songs were requested by Dr. Mohamed El-Fiki and… What? They are not songs? Ah, then they must be the MRI and X-Rays he told me to do. I want to thank this brilliant doctor for his amazing work and I also want to thank many people for their continuous help. I probably won't have enough space to mention everyone, so I'll mention those who were really supportive in everyway. I want to start with El-Fiki family, Ambassador Fatma Galal, Dalia and Kareem El-Fiki. Incidentally, I was perfectly alright, just standing there minding my business and Dalia hit me in the back with a bulldozer! Someone told me I should sue her and I might do that and save the world from her evil intentions. HA! I want to thank my dear colleagues, especially Ahmed Atef, Ahmed Kamel, Samar Ali Ezzat, Tamer Mohamed, Doaa Soliman, Salah Khatab and Ramadan A. Kader (they write for the same paper so I have to be nice to them). Some of the people who called constantly to check on me are my dear friends Inas and Maged Hasseeb, Hatem Reffaee, Mohamed Moustafa, Youssef Badr, Belal Hisham, Moustafa El-Alfy and Mirit Mikhail. They really cheered me up. The life saviours are Mohammed Antar, Mohamed Abd Al-Latif and Noony Youssef. Their help was so amazing in everyway. Hoda, Nadia and Soha El-Maghraby and also Noheir Mohamed and Khaled Khalil were as brilliantly supportive as expected from them. Last but surely not least the wonderful Lady Molly Aly. I can't thank you enough. I want to thank you too for reading this horrible article and now that you know about my health problem, ARE YOU HAPPY? Say it… I know you've always hated me. Hold on, I'll go cry for a while then I'll come back to write next week's article. Did I say come “back”? I don't like this word anymore – “I'll return to write next week's article” sounds better. See? I'm doing all this because of you, so in case my situation got worse… I will sue you... and Dalia! Goodbye. Send me your attorney's number to: [email protected]
