Worse than the New York Times

Istanbul: a city of dilemmas
Baher Ibrahim
21 February 2010 in Travel
ISTANBUL: Misconceptions of Turkey make it seem like a backward society where women cannot walk around uncovered, mixing between sexes is forbidden and alcohol is unavailable.
Good, this isn’t clichéd at all. Incidentally, misconceptions most places tend to be “far from the truth” by definition.
This cannot be further from the truth. Turkey, a country of roughly 90% Muslims is unlike any other Muslim country.
Really? You couldn’t even be bothered to Wikipedia it? It’s 98%.
The fascinating city of Istanbul is testament to this.
What? Testament to Turkey being unlike other Muslim countries? That’s pretty fucking deep.
Sprawling across a vast mountainous region at the junction of Europe and Asia and seemingly sunk in water, it feels like a European capital and the seat of the Ottoman caliphate simultaneously. Istanbul T-shirts sold at bazaars describe it as the “City of Dilemmas.”
Wow. Well, a) why couldn’t it be both European and Ottoman? B) sunk in water meaning what? That it is enclosed in two seas? I mean, you do have to be careful with using “sunk” as many cities/islands/etc. are in fact sinking. I’m glad your article is planning on being as deep as clichéd t-shirts sold in bars, let me read on!
Thousands of minarets grace the skyline alongside modern skyscrapers, their lights reflected on the placid waters of the Golden Horn and Sea of Marmara
Oh good lord. “modern skyscrapers” juxtaposed with “traditional minarets?”
. The call to prayer is heard like in any Muslim country; and in perfect harmony with the flashing red signs that read “Erotic Shop”. Many women wearing the hijab are seen; while others are much more revealing.
Good. You’re right that no other Muslim country has women wearing anything other than the hijab. Well-spotted.
Young and old bearded men carrying prayer beads are seen and alcohol is sold freely in all supermarkets. Young couples passionately kiss each other in the streets and on the tram without the slightest degree of harassment or disapproval by passersby.
Well, that’s false. There’s a ton of harassment, there’s quite a lot of disapproval by one of the elements you’re attempting to juxtapose with the other. And alcohol is NOT sold freely at all supermarkets, it’s sold for a fairly high price in selective supermarkets. Did you actually GO to Turkey for this article?
An attitude of “I let you do your thing and you let me do mine” prevails.
Really? Does that include 40 years of terrorist attacks and 5 military coups in under a century? Is that “letting things go?”
Pictures of Ataturk, the founder of the modern Turkish Republic, adorn many shops as well as the money in your pocket. The common factor in all these scenes is the Turkish flag, present anywhere and everywhere in a fascinating display of patriotism.
Why the fuck is it fascinating? How about “disturbing display of nationalism?” Are you going to qualify this at all? Also, I don’t see how “the common factor” in all pictures of Ataturk is the Turkish flag. Isn’t the picture of Ataturk the common factor in pictures of Ataturk? Also “feature” is the word you meant, I believe.
There is much to see and do in Istanbul, but certain things can’t be missed. One of these is the Blue Mosque. Also known as Sultan Ahmet Mosque, it was built by the Ottoman sultan between 1609 and 1616. It is characteristic of typical Ottoman architecture, with multiple domes and half domes and several minarets.
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! It is NOT typical of any SORT of Islamic architecture and with “several minarets?” It has 6 fucking minarets, one of only two in the city. FURTHERMORE it is based largely on the Hagia Sophia, which in itself is like not a typical Ottoman mosque. There are certainly elements of 17th century Ottoman architecture in the Blue Mosque (or “Sultanahmet” mosque or “Sultan Ahmed” mosque, but not what the author calls it) but it’s hardly fucking typical.
The walls and ceiling are decorated with Islamic art and calligraphy at its finest. Similar designs can be seen in a familiar but smaller mosque in Egypt; the Muhammad Ali mosque in Cairo.
Good lord. Yes, a 19th century mosque in Egypt was built by the Ottomans. Well done, dickhead. “Similar” designs can surely be seen in all Ottoman mosques, and indeed all mosques. What specifically were you referring to that necessitates a comparison between just these two mosques, built in different eras and different contexts?
A short distance away loom the massive domes of Hagia Sophia, meaning Church of the Holy Wisdom of God. It was the largest cathedral in the world for nearly a thousand years. The current building was the third church to occupy the site. It was later turned into a mosque after the Muslim conquest of Constantinople. Nowadays, visitors marvel at the magnificent domes decorated by the names of Allah, Muhammad and the four Caliphs; along with pictures of the Virgin Mary, Jesus and the cross. The architecture of the Hagia Sophia served as the principal model for many Ottoman mosques, including the Blue Mosque.
Good, well done. I mean, God knows there’s much more to say about the Hagia Sophia but whatever, at least it’s not factually incorrect like everything else here. Though if I wanted to be nitpicky (and the Turkish government is) it’s actually NOT a cathedral or mosque anymore, it’s a museum.
Another museum within walking distance from the Hagia Sophia not to be missed is Topkapi palace, where the Ottoman sultans resided. An interesting display is that of the royal jewels, which houses diamonds and emeralds of sizes that no longer exist.
Ha, I had a high school teacher who told us never to use the word “interesting” in this sort of context because it’s completely meaningless. You certainly helped prove the point. Also, I hate to tell you that sentences like, “you can see things that no longer exist” imply that you will not be looking at pictures, such as dodos or representations of the big bang. The fact that you were in fact looking at things in existence makes it unlikely that they did not exist. Oh, and I’m excited about your description of Dolmabahçe since that’s ALSO where the Sultans resided (is that all it was?). No dates or descriptions? I refer you to a useful website for writing cliché-ridden shitty articles: www.wikipedia.com.
The sacred artifacts collection is also a must see, though skeptics will not be convinced by many of the displays, such as the stick that Moses supposedly turned into a snake.
I mean, what do you mean you won’t be convinced? You’re not convinced it is the exact stick of Moses? Or you’re not convinced that it’s a historical artifact used to legitimate the Ottoman Sultans as Caliph in the 19th century? Oh sorry, was the point that we WEREN’T supposed to express an interest in history? I’ll stop.
Lovers of modern architecture and art should not, under any circumstances, miss the Dolmabahçe Palace, where the last six Ottoman sultans and Attaturk resided.
Well done! Again no dates but you made it and even put in the “ç”! I mean, it’s too bad that that didn’t stop you from Misspelling “Ataturk,” but I suppose be grateful for small mercies. Oh, and I personally would argue that that’s not “modern” architecture. I’d probably prefer the term “Rococo” or perhaps “Neo-Classical.” Modern would be much more – to me – in line with the Mugamma or something like that.
The palace is in such beautifully preserved condition you’ll think the sultan will be returning any minute. The palace features a crystal staircase, fourteen tons of gold used to decorate the ceiling and various gifts from European royalty as well as the world’s largest Bohemian crystal chandelier. Bear in mind that visitors aren’t allowed to wander through the palace on their own. Outside the main palace, splendid views of the Bosphorus await.
I enjoy the constant switching between past, present, and future tenses. That’s all I have, though you could mention where it’s located I suppose, since it’s nowhere near Sultanahmet.
There are many more interesting mosques to visit, each with its own flavor, but only visitors on an extended stay will have the time.
Meaning you DIDN’T go. I would argue vehemently that going to Dolmabahce (that’s right, I’m cool with not putting the ç into Dolmabahce if you’re ok with not putting the “ı” in Topkapı) over Kariye mosque/basilica/museum is ridiculous.
There are two bazaars worth visiting; the Grand Bazaar and Misri Bazaar.
That’s fun. Are you Egyptian? Do you know how to spell your country? Let’s try in Arabic first: مصر, pronounces “masr,” or something to that effect, no? Well, in Turkish it’s Mısır, pronounced something close to “masr.” It may help that it’s written out for you in every guidebook or in the bazaar itself. Or wikipedia if you’d like to follow my suggestion. Is it worth mentioning that I do NOT think these are the only two bazaars worth visiting? For instance, if it is Turkish rugs that you’re interested, I would recommend going to the “Rug bazaar.” But that’s just me.
Both of these are covered marketplaces dating back to medieval times, and popular tourist attractions today.
Good lord. Medieval times? It’s the fucking 15th and 17th centuries?!?!?!
Get lost in the vast intricacies and tiny passages of the Grand Bazaar. One memorable shop owner there throws two fake hundred dollar bills on the ground, waiting for gullible tourists to pick them up. “Take, take, your chance!” he jokingly encourages. The bazaars contain just about anything; be it spices, honey, food, drink, clothing, accessories or souvenirs plus entire markets reserved for gold, leather and rugs.
Ok, that is NOT just about everything. They have many tourist goods, and that’s ALL they have. You’ll notice an absence of any actual “Turks” there for a reason. Also, what does it mean to “get lost in vast intricacies?”
Several local delicacies are also waiting to be tried after you emerge from the Misri Bazaar and arrive at Yeni Mosque (also worth visiting, but if you have the time). These include döner kebab (gyros), better known as shawarma in the Arab world but tasting a hundred times better.
Ha, wow. 1) wrong spelling again. 2) Yeni Mosque is actually Yeni Camii, or in English it’s the New Mosque. Either one is fine. And calling Doner’s (that’s right, fuck using the “ö,” I’m writing on an American keyboard) “gyros” is an amazingly political statement to be made so flippantly. I’d also say that where you get shawarma or doner or gyros or burritos or other “meat on stick” sort of foods is the deciding factor on which tastes better. You’re correct that on the whole Doners taste better than shawarma in Cairo, I don’t know that I’m willing to go farther than that.
Not to be eaten excessively by people with gout. Boiled and roasted corn are worth a try. Roasted chestnuts, or kestane, won’t appeal to everyone but are a must in Turkey (they’re available only in winter).
Ok nice try. But Kestane are a) available year-round and b) are actually just “chestnuts,” thus there are many different kinds of Kestane. I recommend a trip to Bursa for the best Kestane in Turkey. If you’d like to limit your discussion to Istanbul, it’s true that they’re inferior.
Oysters stuffed with rice and seasoned with lemon are available to eat right on the spot. Simit, or circular bread with sesame seeds, is also available on the streets. For dessert, hop into your nearest Koska or Simit Sarayi (these are plentiful). I recommend the Turkish Delight and baklava, but there’s something for everybody’s sweet tooth.
Wow, recommending Simit Saray or Koska? Those are chains, and cheap shitty chains at that. I absolutely DON’T recommend those places for any tourists looking for delicious food. If I must make a recommendation of the “it’s everywhere” variety I’ll go with Saray, which is both famous and known for desserts as opposed to Simit Saray, which is (shockingly) known for (cheap) Simit. (Oh, and you like to whine about how I left off the “I” at the end of saray? Please do, and I’ll go ahead and explain some of the finer points of Turkish grammar to you)
For shopping fanatics, the exceedingly long Istiklal Street is mandatory.
I keep telling you, you really need to check out this Wikipedia website. It’s GREAT for this sort of thing. It turns out it’s 2 km long. Oh, and also it’s most certainly NOT mandatory. Again this is where you find cheap shitty products. I would recommend (though I hate shopping) Nişantişi for people actually interested in shopping. The numerous malls are also very popular, particularly amongst wealthy tourists who come for shopping. For those of us who enjoy drinking alcohol, however, then absolutely Istiklal is the place it go.
It’s lined by hundreds of shops of all kinds. A little secret I learned: there is a single tiny alleyway branching from Istiklal where you’ll stumble upon heaps of very cheap, excellent quality clothes. It not hard to find; if you have walked long enough with Taksim Square behind you, you’ll find it on the right.
Wow, you are really not smart are you? Well, I hate to say I don’t know where exactly you’re talking about because there are many such “alleyways” along Istiklal, or “Pasaj” as they’re known in the signs on top of each one of them. I suspect you’re talking about the Syria Passage near Tünel, but I could be wrong because you didn’t take the time to look at the fucking entrance. Quite frankly, I DON’T think that’s the nicest Passaj off Istiklal, and certainly not the cheapest. But whatever.
If you get tired of walking in Istiklal, there is a little, picturesque, single car tram that traverses the street back and forth.
The Golden Horn, that tiny sliver of water that branches from the Sea of Marmara and into the mainland, is not named in vain. Take a ferry ride during sunset and sit on deck, a truly pleasurable, relaxing experience.
Ok, there are many ferries and many companies and different prices for different lengths and everything. Where, when, what. Let’s go, this isn’t fucking rocket science. Personally, rather than doing the Golden Horn, I’d recommend doing a tour from Eminonu to the Black Sea and see the whole Bosphorus rather than just doing the Golden Horn. But whatever, let’s finish this shit.
Note that this is best done in summer, since on most winter days the sun cannot be seen even at noon.
Not true. I’m from Chicago – THERE the sun isn’t seen in winter. Istanbul has many gorgeous winter days of chilly sunlight.
At any given time, hundreds of seagulls glide across the skies and waters of Istanbul. If you’re lucky, one may even swoop down to your hand to snatch the bread out of it while you’re on deck!
Touring Istanbul is best done with a map and a guide book. Tour companies will stuff you with other tourists into closed buses and deprive you of the fun of seeing and doing everything at a leisurely pace. When asking for directions, as you inevitably will, do not bother speaking English because most people’s English is like your Turkish. The best way is to show them the written name of the place you want to go to. If they happen to know, they’ll be extraordinarily kind and helpful.
After finishing your visit, it seems that the nickname “City of Dilemmas” written on Istanbul T-shirts is every bit justified (and running a close second to Cairo).
Ok, having started with the nonsensical juxtaposition you never actually talked about it until this sentence, given without explanation. Whatever dude, I’m done. You might want to consider getting an education before you post things again.
BM
**The beliefs and statements of all Bikya Masr blogumnists are their own and do not necessarily reflect our editorial views.