Haim Bresheeth*, assuming the form of a fly on an oval office wall, brings the Weekly's readers this exclusive, though unconfirmed, transcript of the proceedings of a history-making meeting Click to view caption 11.47 AM: Oval Room, Ways and Means Foe Elimination sub-committee meeting: Present: Dubya B -- a President Donnie -- a Secretary (of Defence) Connie -- an Adviser 3 Aides Dubya: ".... And I think it is high time that we got this bloody whathisname... you know...the one my father tried to get... you know the one I mean, that Airab..." Connie: "I believe the president is referring here to the Iraqi dictator, Mr Saddam Hussein." Dubya: "You bet your a..., my darling Connie, that I mean him, the bastard Saddam. Anyway, what kind of a name is it? Is Saddam his first or second name? Why can't he have a proper name, like regular people?" Connie: "Quite, Mr President. But really, we came here to debate and finalise the means of eliminating Mr Saddam Hussein from the international and Iraqi arena once and for all." Donnie: "Hey, Connie, you are rushing things through again! If the president wants to discuss that f...ing dictator's name, hell, he is the president, ain't he? I also find the business quite infuriating, him having two names like that, with nobody...." Aide 1: "Mr Secretary, you need to be at the airport at 13.00 for your flight to India, so if you don't mind, I think we should concentrate here on...." Donnie: "OK, OK, no need to be so bloody boring! I reckon the old methods are the best methods ... like when we got that Castro character an exploding cigar, and Puff! That will see the b... through all right!" Aide 2: "I would like to remind you all that this particular ploy did not quite come off ... the Cuban leader is a cigar connoisseur, so on smelling something fishy, he threw the specially prepared XC12 into the pool, where it blew up a gold fish." Donnie: "you mean we did not get the b...?" Aide 2: "Right, Mr President, Sir. The Cuban leader is still in power." Donnie: "Say, Dubya, did you know that? That is bloody disgraceful, that is! Let us plant an exploding cherry in his ..., right now!" Aide 3: "I would like to remind you, Sirs and Lady, that the topic on our agenda is the elimination of another leader, that of the Iraqi terrorist state, part of the Axis of Evil. It is paramount that we reach a ..." Dubya: "What is this, can't we even have a proper chat here! Every time we say something, you guys come up with agendas and items! This is serious stuff here! I am the President of the Free World, and don't you forget that! If me and Donnie here want to talk about snuffing that damn Castro, we'll damn well do it! I never liked that bloody Castro with his bloody beard. Can't we just snuff the both of them together, huh? Like in a whorehouse or somewhere?" Connie: "Mr President, Sir, I am sure we must take into account the geographies involved, though your plan is basically sound. Bearing in mind certain realities of a geopolitical nature, I believe we will be right concentrating on the planned elimination of the Iraqi leader, before any further discussion of the elimination of Dr Castro may be entered into. As your trusted Adviser, I counsel focusing on this one task so that we may produce the best method. Maybe Robert here would care to report the CIA position?" Aide 2: "Sure, Madam, Mr President, Sir! The Agency is currently actively deconstructing the Twin Towers files, so it was difficult to get anyone to deal with new tasks. Still, we got one of the accountants to give us an assessment. What is basically assumed in cases such as the one..." Dubya: "Just give it to us straight, will you? What's the score, buddy?" Aide 2: "Mr President, Sir, they have suggested the Oracular Dispatch Method, Sir!" Dubya: "Now that's the end! I am having no more of this here mumbo-jumbo! What in hell is he rattling about, Connie? Connie: "Mr President, I believe Robert is referring to the Poison-in-the-Ear method. You may recall the Mossad tried it in Jordan a couple of years ago" Dubya: "Great, Connie! If the Mossad does it, I buy it! Let's get the s..o..b Oraculised!" Connie: "Mr President, Sir! I wish to remind you that on that occasion, the Mossad has not been very successful, and their target had survived, and continues his work on the A of E!" Dubya: "Hey, Don, what do you say to that? This is good news -- we are not alone in f...ing things up! So what other ways have we of bumping him off, if the Oracular is off?" Aide 1: "Mr President, Sir! The FBI Props Department has looked into this, and strongly recommends the Bulgarian Ploy." Donnie: "What is this business then? Bulgarian? What about some proper Russian instead? Connie: "Don, they mean the umbrella-gun method. Tried and tested on the London Underground. Works like a dream! Only problem is -- an umbrella might look a little suspicious in the middle of the summer in Iraq, don't you think? Donnie: "OK then, so we go back to the original method. Lets do it on the London Underground, then! That should work again!" Connie: "That's cute, Donnie! How do you suggest we lure the Iraqi leader onto the London Underground? Any ideas?" Dubya: "Hey Connie, we aren't here for the details, are we? I am the Leader of the Free World, if I want the Bulgarian Ploy, why, I'll just do it!" Aide 1: "Mr President, Sir! In this case, I reckon your Adviser is correct. The odds against Mr Saddam being spotted on the London Undergr..." Dubya: "Are you guys good for anything? Can you do anything, apart from saying no to everything I wanna do! What can we do about this guy? Don't tell me that as the Leader of the Free World I can't ..." Donnie: "Dubya, I mean, Sir! We could like get him an exploding Humous, or something..." Aide 3: "Mr President, Sir! The Mossad has just completed an advanced model of a Fragmentation Kibbeh, which could well fit the bill -- we have it on great authority that Mr Saddam is very fond of the Halepi Kibbeh, with the pine-kernel stuffing, dipped in Tahini." Aide 2: "Now that is rather odd, Johns. Our latest reports indicate without any possibility of a doubt, that Mr Saddam is known to enjoy the Beiruti version of the Kibbeh, where minced Spring Lamb is liberally mixed with cumin and saffron, before being fitted into the burgul casing. I am afraid that the mere sight of pine-kernels will alert the rascal to our plot, and he will immediately hand the suspect Kibbeh to his son, who is our most trusted agent, Sir!" Aide 1: "Sir, the Bureau has now developed a special gun, which can shoot poisoned strawberries into a fruit salad from great distances, especially for the purpose of retiring the Venezuelan leader, General Chavez! It is my firm belief that, with some quick R&D, this can be adapted to shoot olives into a Foul dish, thus providing us with the perfect answer! Connie: "Is the Agency aware, Richard, that Foul is actually an Egyptian dish, and that the Iraqi dictator would not be caught dead eating it? He has a tender tummy, as you must know." Dubya: "I've had enough of this, you morons! I want a special exploding broccoli developed for next week, better than that XB3 you showed me last year! We'll put it in a bloody Ciabatta and shove it down his bloody throat, that's what we'll do! Have I got to do everything myself? The meeting is closed." Al-Ahram Weekly has since found out that advanced trials of the XB13 have brought qualified success. It is expected that the device will be tried in action in the near future, as an important part of the arsenal of the Free World in its War Against Terrorism. Some details are still being worked out -- the Mozzarella Sauce and the Ciabatta have proven precarious, and more stable models are being tested in the Mojabi desert this summer. Congress has allocated a further $317 billions for the project, and a group of Israeli advisers has arrived to join the team, in a secret location in Montana. It will not be long, adds our reporter, before Mr Saddam will face the might of the Free World and its Exploding Broccoli. * The writer is an Israeli academic and peace activist living and working in London. He is the co-editor (with Nira Yubal- Davis) of The Gulf War and the New World Order, published by Zed Books, and co-author (with Stuart Hood) of Introduction to the Holocaust, published by Icon Books.
