Should husbands give up their roles as primary breadwinners in favour of their wives, wonders Amira El-Naqeeb Going to the gym early in the afternoon in the middle of the week one would expect to meet non-working women, whom most fitness schedules are tailored to accommodate. So when I met Dane Blgner in the boxing class, I was intrigued. It turned out that he is a member of a large community of expatriates who are stay-at-home husbands. My curiosity gave me away, and he invited me to a dinner party at which many non-working husbands and their working wives would be present. Belonging to such a community in what many of them described as a male-dominated society like Egypt was quiet a challenge, they said. Though these non-working husbands denied that they were faced by an automatic reaction from the Egyptians they meet, there was still an atmosphere when their Egyptian interlocutors learned of their situation. Some Egyptian men would say that they wished to be in their shoes, but all of them immediately stated afterwards that this was just a joke. Ever since "Adam took up golf back in Eden," as Ms Dunleavey puts it in her article "The Basics: Can you afford a stay-at-home husband?" that appeared on the MSN Money webpage recently, it has appeared natural for women to stay at home to take care of the house and children. Throughout the years, this has been part of an unspoken deal, part of our age-old heritage, that if one partner should give up their career to take care of the kids, then it should be the woman. Yet, it seems that this deal may be changing, and the dinner I attended was an opportunity to gather another invitation to attend a further non-working husbands' social meeting. Klaus Lindbergh, a Swedish non-working husband and founder of the Non-Working Husbands Club in Egypt, says that his was not a common situation in Sweden either. Lindbergh came to Egypt over two years ago when his wife had the opportunity of a transfer with a major multinational company. His wife, Ulrika Lindbergh, says that people are often surprised when they find out that she is the working party in the household, especially as she has a three-and-a-half-year-old daughter. "Of course this is not the norm, especially in Egypt," she says. Lindbergh explains that while they both wanted to work overseas, his wife had the better career prospects, and it was easier for him to get local employment than for her. "It made more sense, since there was a chance for her. The next assignment will be my turn, and she will come with me," he adds. For her part, Ulrika confirms that it had been her husband who had encouraged her to take the assignment in Egypt. "In fact, he was more eager than I was," she says. A sales representative for advanced industrial products for almost 16 years, Lindbergh had long had the opportunity to live and work overseas, and "I wanted my daughter to experience the same privileges," he says. Blgner agrees, saying that he and his wife always referred to their situation as bearing out the motto that "money can't buy experience." Without this working situation, he continues, they could not have afforded to move to Egypt. "When we left, our daughter was six, which was almost two years ago, and of course it has been a great opportunity for her to experience another culture and meet people from all over the world," he says. Ricardo Iglesias, an American originally from El-Salvador, had the same reasons for coming to Egypt, namely to be exposed to a different culture and to meet new people. Iglesias says that he and his wife, originally from Honduras, were already far from home, so it wasn't a tough decision to relocate. "We were looking at Italy, the south of France or Spain. But then my wife heard about a job with USAID, and so she applied and was accepted." For Iglesias, his situation as a non-working husband is "frowned upon" in the Latino community. He explained that many of his friends cannot believe that a Latino man could let his wife work while he himself stays at home. "Latino men are macho, and in their view the wife stays at home, cooks, and takes care of the kids, while the man brings in the money." "In response, I always say that I am a modern Latino," he says, smiling. Both Blgner and Lindbergh agree that since women contribute equally to the household economy their situation is becoming more common, especially in the US. According to recent studies by Violet Woodhouse, a financial planner in Long Beach, California, more young women are now gaining college degrees, MBAs and doctorates compared to young men, indicating that a significant number of young women are out- earning their male partners. However, the choice of giving up a career, even temporarily, and the role as the primary earner is one that may sting the pride of a lot of men, especially in Middle Eastern cultures. Nevertheless, one young Egyptian diplomat interviewed by Al-Ahram Weekly testifies to the contrary. Married to an Egyptian diplomatic attaché, which means that they cannot both take posts in the same country, he says that he would not mind following his wife and if necessary leaving the work force. "We already split chores here, and doing the same thing somewhere else wouldn't make much difference," he says. "I think it would give me the time to pick up on my long-abandoned hobbies." When asked about how she would accept the switch of roles, however, his wife answers that she does not know how she might feel. For engineer Ayman Hassan, who is married to a doctor, the situation of non-working husband is best avoided, and he would not accept such a situation. The parents of a friend had a similar situation, he says, and this led to their divorce. The decision not to work had been forced upon the husband by an unexpected layoff, Hassan says, and the wife was transferred to work in an Arab country. Yet, as their financial situation improved their personal relationship headed into a dark tunnel. "I think that if you control the money, then you will always have the upper hand in the household," Hassan explains. "Any situation where this is reversed is hard on the psyche of any man, especially in our society." Could it be considered awkward for a woman to be the main provider for the family? Lindbergh, Blgner, and Stefano Raimondi, a married Italian-Swiss man living in Egypt, all testify that they have joint bank accounts with their working wives. There is no distinction, they say, about who the money belongs to, Raimondi adding that if he or his wife intends to spend a significant amount of money, they will always sit and discuss it, since "it is the family's money." For Iglesias, the situation is somewhat different since he has an income from his business in the US, though he and his wife have a joint account from which they pay the bill. The fact that he has an independent income makes the situation of being a non-working husband easier, he says, because he feels that he is contributing. "It would be hard for me to accept the situation, if I didn't have an income coming in. In fact, I would probably be working right now." What is it like for a man to stay at home all day when his wife is out at work? According to Iglesias, "I'm having a blast. I'm catching up on the activities I always wanted to do. I've been working since I was 13, sometimes day and night, and for me this is a time out." "You can get bored if you want to," Blgner says. "I don't have one minute of boredom, and there isn't enough time to the things I want to do," adds Lindbergh, "between golf, photography, reading, and online courses." As founder of the Non- Working Husbands Club in Egypt, his passion for his hobbies motivated him to share them, the idea of the club starting by simple meetings with non-working friends who then decided to set up a mailing list to share their activities. This list later grew to 30 stay-at-home men of different nationalities. "Anybody is eligible to join, as long as he is not working," Lindbergh adds. "We don't exclude anybody." One activity organised by the club is the so-called "Wives' Dinner". Held once a month, this dinner originated with Lindbergh's realisation that the wives of non-working husbands needed to socialise with other working women in their free time. "They don't necessarily want to talk to ex-pat women who don't work," Lindbergh explains. "Rather, they want to talk to other working women, with whom they have something in common." These dinners for working women are organised by their non-working husbands, who meet at one another's houses and cook a meal together. Then their wives arrive home after work, and the men serve the meal as the women get on with their professional networking. Another initiative that has blossomed from the stay-at-home situation is one organised by Raimondi, who has been an ex-pat in Egypt for the past 20 years. He is fond of the many cultural activities that Egypt has to offer, including events at the Cairo Opera House, theatre plays, and historical walks, and so he started "a blog telling ex-pats and friends what to do at night in Cairo and when." An Egyptian project manager, who spoke to the Weekly anonymously and who is married to a wife working for an international university, agrees that if he were in a similar situation it would be an opportunity for him. "I would definitely welcome such an opportunity. It would give time to catch up on my hobbies, get involved in community projects, and spend more time with my kids. Time passes quickly, and since I spend most of my time outside the home, I miss seeing my children growing up." Ulrika Lindbergh agrees, saying that her biggest frustration about working in a highly demanding job is missing out on time spent with her daughter. "She is growing up fast and becoming more aware that I'm not at home most of the time. However, I'm happy that she has strong ties with her father." So men are having a blast, and women are the breadwinners. Who does the household chores and looks after the children? The four men I interviewed agree that they took care of all the logistics of the household. They did the shopping, cooked, supervised the cleaning -- if they had a maid -- and drove their spouses and children if they didn't have drivers. Lindbergh and Iglesias say that both partners have to work in families living in the US and Europe just in order to make ends meet, and that outside Egypt having help around the house would be a luxury they could not afford. Blgner says that growing up in a "non-chauvinistic household" with three sisters had taught him how to cook, iron, sew and wash at a young age. "I'm doing the same chores I used to do at home, plus taking care of our daughter," he said. However, he still admits that the exchange of roles sometimes "feels weird". Having worked in real estate, Blgner was used to working in an office and dealing with people all day. Now that he is a non-working husband, "I miss getting up in the morning with the feeling that I have to do this because it's my job."
