The Egyptian family is the nucleus of Egyptian society. As times change, will children ever be able to raise themselves? Mai Samih finds out "There are two types of mothers. One lives in her own world, while the other keeps her eyes on her children." This comment was made by Noha El-Sherif, a mother of three, but it has also seemed true to many others. Yet, as social circumstances change, how long can such long-held views on the family continue? According to Hoda Zakaria, a professor of sociology at Zaqaziq University, it is no longer necessarily the case that most Egyptian mothers stay at home to look after their children, for example. "For over 50 years both parents in a couple have worked," she says, "and this is typical of today's Egyptian family." In Zakaria's view, the idea that bringing up children means their mothers spend the maximum number of hours with them at home has now become more and more difficult to sustain, particularly since other societies have successfully accommodated themselves to the idea that parents simply cannot be with their children for as long as perhaps they used to. However, parental absence is not necessarily a bad thing, Zakaria says. On the contrary, a busy family environment can mean that children grow up to become responsible members of society who toil for success. Ragaei Hamza, a father of three, agrees with the idea of promoting such independent thinking among children, adding that children should be given not only the right to think, but also the opportunity to communicate their ideas to their parents. Adults should only interfere when "there is deviation from the right path, and their intervention should depend on the size of a mistake. It should also be a wise intervention, because the aim is to fix what is wrong without negative impacts occurring," he says. If parents do not intervene in their children's behaviour, then this should be taken to mean that they approve of what they are doing. "When the age difference between a father and his children is not that large, this can help establish communication between them," Hamza says. Parents over 50 may find it more difficult to communicate with teenage children than parents in their 40s, for example. Lobna El-Said, a mother of two, agrees that relationships between parents and children should be close, and that hierarchical relationships of authority should give way to something more like friendship. El-Said does not work as she believes that home life should take precedence, and she says that the relationship between a mother and her children should be combined with a relationship almost like that between siblings. "I try to treat my children almost like my brothers and sisters, even sharing secrets with them," El-Said comments, an approach endorsed by Maha Helmi, herself a mother of three. "We ask our children for their opinions, even if a problem only concerns us, their parents," Helmi says, adding that it is through asking children for their views, and then analysing problems together, that children can gain experience. If such feelings of shared discussion are allowed to develop between parents and their children, despite the natural distance and the parents' busy lives, then family bonds will continue and grow, she says. For Noha El-Sherif, this represents the essence of family relationships, "what is called the spirit of the family -- that whatever the distance between family members may be, they are always close to each other in spirit." El-Sherif sees such ideas expressed in practice in the way her own daughter, Aya Saad, a law student, solves her problems, naturally asking members of the family for their assistance. "You can't just deal with problems on your own," El-Sherif says. "It's not just a matter of respect. It's also a matter of habit." Mohamed Raouf, 20, a computer science student, agrees that it is important that parents, children and families work together to solve problems, adding that quite often he has been unable to come up with a suitable strategy on his own. "If I used my head to solve my problems, the solutions I would come up with could be the wrong ones, so I ask my parents for their opinions first. But of course it depends on the situation, as some decisions have to be taken on the spot." If he had the time, he would always ask his family's advice, Raouf says. Aya Ragaei, 21, a new graduate, adds that she often discusses her problems with her parents, though with one proviso. When talking things over with her father, she does not give him the same details as she would her mother, she says. However, not all young people feel this way. Mahmoud Ragaei, 19, an engineering student at the Architecture Department of the Sadat Academy in Cairo, for example, says that he prefers to make his own decisions rather than discuss them with his family or parents first. "I try not to let my parents in," Ragaei says, "so that they don't get worried. I try to solve problems on my own as much as I can." Amr Raouf, 18, a second-year engineering student, prefers what he calls an in-between attitude when dealing with his problems. "I like to solve them by myself, but I still consult my parents," Raouf says. According to Helmi, the kinds of problems young people typically discuss with their families tend to fall into different categories according to the type of problem and the sex of the child. "Girls have their problems, and boys have their different problems," she says, so it may be best for all parties if a child is given the tools to solve his or her own problems from an early age, which is the approach Hamza uses with his children. "The best thing about bringing up a child is helping that child get used to solving problems," Hamza says, adding that it is also important for parents to share their experiences in order to get the fullest possible picture of their responsibilities. For Zakaria, it is also beneficial for the mother to work outside the home, since this can give her additional insights into bringing up her children. If a mother does not work, "she will be giving her children nothing new," Zakaria says, even if bringing up a child and also helping to support the family financially can be a double burden for Egyptian women these days. "Many Egyptian mothers work in a society that takes advantage of them," Zakaria remarks, "since they are given the double task of working and bringing up the children. Moreover, if anything goes wrong, it is always the mother who is held responsible," she says. Yet Zakaria rejects the idea, still held by many people, that working and having a career can interfere with raising children. "The older the children get, the more they can help the mother or father in their jobs," Zakaria says, adding that many jobs become most demanding in middle age, when both children and their parents are often older, with parents being in their 40s and their children in their late teens or even early 20s. Another traditional idea that many people today reject is the idea that a mother is necessarily closer to her children than a father, or that a mother is always the closest to a daughter. Although Saad is close to her mother, for example, she spends more time with her father. For Ragaei, his nearest parent is his father, "who is always with me." Amr Raouf says that because his mother does not work, and his father is always out at work, while he feels close to both parents inevitably he feels closer to his mother because he sees more of her. His mother is the person with whom he naturally tends to discuss what is closest to him, since she is the one he sees after he comes home from college. By the time his father comes home from work in the evenings, he is already busy studying and there is little time to talk. The only time he spends real time with his father is during the holidays, though Raouf is quick to add that he cherishes both his parents. For Mohamed Raouf, the situation and the topic decides which parent he chooses to share his concerns with and which one he feels closer to. While he agrees that a son tends to talk most to his mother, since she is the one he finds at home after a long day, not everything can be told to a mother. "Of course a boy is nearest to his mother," Raouf says. "But there are some things you can't communicate to your mother like you can to your father." One further traditional idea that many young people reject is the idea that parents are necessarily dictators. Aya Ragaei, whose parents both work, used to think that there were some things that parents should not interfere in, but after she graduated her views changed, and now she is always willing to settle for a compromise when there is a difference in opinion between her and her parents. For Saad, the word "interfere" should not be used for what parents are doing when they try to help their children. 'There is never a time that they 'interfere' because God does not bestow his blessings on things you don't tell your mother or father about," she says. Saad believes that friends could do more harm than good if they tried to help in the absence of parental guidance, owing to their limited experience. El-Sherif says that she always tries to stay close to her daughters' friends, so that she can also stay close to her daughters. "With all this mingling, I have the chance to see how their friends have been brought up and what their mothers are like, and this gives me the chance to predict how my daughters will behave," she says. For Hamza, the best way to bring up a child is never to lose contact with him or her, and this applies as much to the father as it does to the mother. For Zakaria, the ideal parent should spend as much time as possible with his or her children, both at home and elsewhere, and he or she should talk to them as much as possible, always without anger. Some people believe in "natural mothers and fathers," in other words in parents who can be good parents naturally without help from the outside world. This idea may or may not be true, she says. However, for those who feel they may not be "natural parents" and would like additional guidance, there are many resources to turn to. As well as self-help books of various kinds, there is "also a trend in contemporary sociology that deals with 'familial sociology,' a branch of sociology that deals with the family. The roles of parents are now part of a scientific field that has attracted the attention of many sociologists," Zakaria says. For her part, Zakaria quite often gives advice to couples considering building a family, helping them to be clear about what they are about to embark upon. Potential parents should be eager to read about how to raise their children, Zakaria says, and there are now many organisations ready to offer training to married couples, she points out.
