For a woman, the trauma of divorce is only a prelude to living with the stigma of being a divorcee. Not always. Jailan Halawi talks to four women who have chosen otherwise Some years ago I met a very nice woman who freelanced for our paper. It had been a long time one of our colleagues -- an old friend of hers -- had last seen her and he enquired how she was. "Happily divorced," was her reply. This was the most astounding adjective I'd ever heard to describe what is, in our society, the most dreaded of states -- especially for a young woman. What was she talking about? I had previously heard women say they were relieved, they were managing -- but happy? This was not only in total contradiction to the impression that the dominant culture of films and books has fostered and which both moulds and reflects society's views, but also with the established idea that divorced women are miserable and weak without a man. Was the lady protesting too much? As the years went by, and as divorces seemed to have become more and more common, I ran into many more women who seemed to be equally satisfied after going through a divorce and I came to understand what "happily divorced" meant. Below are the accounts of four women -- all young, educated, professional and financially-independent -- who realised that divorce is far better than an unhappy marriage; that it is, in fact, the beginning of a new life. Naturally, in deference to their privacy, I have given them fictitious names. Zeina: "Although I was not happily married, divorce was not my choice but my husband's. It was devastating to me. It is not easy to see a life -- even an unhappy one -- you have built together with someone crumble, especially when you have a child with them. But it did not kill me and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I don't regret having been married. It was actually an experience that empowered me. To say the least, it has proven that the old Egyptian saying, 'the shadow of a man is better than the shadow of a wall,' is nothing more than complete nonsense. I feel much stronger now, on my own, a single mother, self- supporting and facing the world by myself, than I did when I was married. This is not to say that being married weakens a woman; of course not. But unless the husband shoulders his responsibilities (which is rare nowadays) and makes sure his wife is happy, the woman may just as well take her life in her own hands and make the best of it. "A woman could turn her divorce into an asset, having gained enough resistance and contentment from her own achievements to remain unmarried until she find someone who makes her happy. She would put her foot down and try to do well with her own life without feeling the urge to jump into another marriage unless it fulfils her. "Psychologically, such women would have acquired the self-assurance that would satisfy them in this respect. They have not allowed divorce to break them: they are out on the streets, meeting people, working, earning their living, deriving self-confidence from their profession, looking after themselves, being socially active and deriving even more confidence from being perceived as strong independent women. Therefore these women don't seek to remarry for financial or social reasons but merely for companionship and happiness. Hence, they will be just as picky as women looking to marry for the first time, if not more so (once bitten, twice shy, as they say); and certainly more choosy than other divorced women who have not managed their post- divorce life in a similar way. "When you are always seen alone in public (after divorce), without a man that you can call your own, it can be emotionally taxing and certainly makes fighting off men who see you as easy prey harder. Financially, I was also affected in the sense that, while my ex-husband and I used to share the cost of living, now the bigger financial burden falls on me, both in looking after my son and in running the house. However, I am lucky to have always worked, as I am sure it would have been far more devastating if I had to step into the work market after the divorce purely in order to support myself. "Unfortunately, many people around me, including my own parents, tried to confine me to the stereotypical lifestyle of the traditional divorced woman. My father, despite offering me a large bouquet of flowers on the day following my divorce and saying 'This is the first day of the rest of your life,' began to change his attitude after he saw how I planned to go about the rest of my life. Soon enough, however, I made it clear that, try as they may, I would never allow this to happen and, accordingly, they stopped. Although I don't, and doubt that I ever will, feel that my lifestyle is generally approved of, and despite this hurting, I always try to remember that if I should live in accordance to the expectations society has of me and therefore be unhappy, I will be the only one carrying this burden for the rest of my life, and I refuse to do that. "Nevertheless, I certainly am looking forward to a more successful marriage -- and this means it has to be to the right man: one who will make me feel that life would be better, happier and safer if he was involved in every one of its levels. Otherwise, I am perfectly happy this way, thank you very much." Farida: "To become a divorced woman in Egypt is a stigma. The change of status, from being a successful, socially-acceptable married woman, to becoming a divorcee is quite a rattling experience. Even though you may be convinced that this is the best choice for you, you are still susceptible to the idea that somehow you have failed. "There are awkward situations at work, with acquaintances and friends. When you first break the news of your divorce and you see looks of pity in their eyes, you sort of realise that they view you as a failure. "Yet, I am a professional woman. I have my responsibilities and life has to go on. I discovered that, just as there are many people who found it difficult to accept my new status, there are as many others with whom I have formed very solid friendships. These are people who accept me the way I am, regardless of my social status. "I believe that us divorced women are empowered in terms of what we are able to do. We can start going about having a demanding life but, for this to happen, we need to live in a society which does not categorise women by their marital status. Society should develop a different attitude towards women who have chosen to be separate entities from men. This is something which requires no less than a revolution in people's attitude. "My previous marriage is an important part of the experience that makes me the person I am today. I just wish the term divorcee did not have to bear such a stigma." Malak: "I reached out for divorce as I realised it was the only salvation for me and my children after spending nine years in a miserable marriage. Despite having been my own choice, it was traumatic. I felt as though my whole life had fallen apart. The only thing that pulled me out of my misery was my children. If I collapsed now, I knew that they will inevitably be destroyed and nothing will ever fix that. So, I had to stand on my feet again and get ready for a new life where I was fully in charge. Despite my family's backing, I felt the urge to be completely financially independent. I returned to my job after having been away for a long time and, at the same time, I searched everywhere for an extra job in order to be able to support my children and raise them in the same way that I was raised. Simultaneously, to overcome the crisis, I started therapy for myself and the children and, to a great extent, I believe I have pulled it off perfectly. "I felt in no way intimidated by society. In fact, I felt accepted, supported and, if anything, highly respected for raising the kids on my own. My social circles sympathised with me because they knew what I had endured to stand on my feet again. "For five years I was so uncomfortable with the idea of remarrying that I would not even allow my friends to discuss it with me. I was so suspicious of the image men project, and how different it usually is from reality. At the same time, I couldn't visualise what a stepfather would mean to my children and how he would manage with them. But when I met my current husband it was love at first sight and we felt certain that we were made for each other. Three years later we still believe and feel the same." Janna: "I never believed in the so-called "society" perspective on other people's attitude in life. I've always believed that as long as you are not harming others, you are free to choose whatever path or attitude you desire in life. I carried on with my life after the divorce according to this maxim. Despite it not being easy to live all by myself, I made it clear to everybody that this is my choice and is non- negotiable. "A male colleague at work once expressed his concern and tried to advise me that a young divorced woman like myself should seek the shelter of her father's house rather than living by herself and raising lots of question marks regarding her morality. To make it clear that he wasn't getting at anything else, he assured me that he was saying this because he cares about my reputation as he would his sister's and was not questioning my morality. "Of course I believe you," I said. "But, I will teach society that my life is none of their business. As long as I am not encroaching on any of their rights I expect the same treatment." That was the end of the discussion. The world only cheers for winners and losers have no place in the highly competitive times we live in. To be in control, you have to work for it rather than sitting helplessly, waiting for a miracle to happen. My mother once told me, "People see you as you see yourself." And I saw myself as a woman who would like to be in control of her destiny. No one can deny that divorce is, by definition, devastating. Yet, if it is the only way out of an unhappy marriage then life should and will go on. It is a matter of choice and I have chosen to live happily. I focused all my energy on my career because I realised that, as long as I am working, I am fulfilled, financially as well as socially. Three years later, here I am, well-established in a job that I'm crazy about and in love with a man who found the keys to my heart and rebellious mind."
