Most fairy tales end with the cliché that the prince and princess live happily ever after. However, we rarely if ever get to see this “ever after.” According to the Central Agency for Public Mobilisation and Statistics (CAPMAS), there were 74,000 marriages in Egypt in June 2014, compared to 58,000 in June 2015. In June 2014, there were 15,600 divorces, as opposed to 15,800 in June 2015. The figures indicate that the number of marriages went down by 22 per cent and divorces went up by some three per cent in a one-year period. The differences in the figures might be for different reasons, but the fact is that young couples should consider carefully before getting married in order to ensure a happy life together. Sarah Al-Shakankiry is a researcher at the National Research Centre and specialises in marriage, parental and family counselling. She told Al-Ahram Weekly that even if couples have a healthy relationship, problems can still arise. “This is the norm in human relationships,” she said. What makes a relationship succeed or fail is the way we deal with disputes. Respect is a major factor in the success of a couple's relationship, she said. “It is also important that a couple knows that each member is in the same boat. Instead of each wanting to win an argument, each should try to accommodate the other in order to keep a good relationship.” They should ask what the aim is and what they want to have. This way they can coordinate better and find a solution instead of thinking about who will win. Al-Shakankiry explained that what heightens quarrels in couples is not the problem itself, as couples usually forget what the problem was that started them off and just remember what happened afterwards and who hurt whom. Members of couples should be more aware of each other, so that they can overcome problems together, she said. The more they avoid things coming between them and the more they make decisions together, the more they will be able to continue their lives together in a way that is right for both of them. However, sometimes it can also be healthy to ask for advice from someone more experienced, as long as this does not lead to external control of the couple's relationship. Some people also wonder at which age they should look for a serious commitment. Al-Shakankiry says that many young people today model their expectations on what they see in films or on television. Sometimes they may not be mature enough to take the decision to pursue a serious relationship, though this will come, typically some time after they finish college. “I think during college is too early,” Al-Shakankiry added. People can change easily at this age, and the more they gain of life experiences the more they will understand themselves and what they want in their life and future. “When people graduate from college, they can judge more what they want and what they are looking for in their life partner and they know their priorities better,” she said. There are many unsuccessful relationships because as people grow older they discover they were not right for each other from the beginning. Al-Shakankiry added that it is not advisable to commit under any form of pressure. Feeling down, stressed or wanting to escape problems at home are not good reasons to enter into a relationship. To take such a decision a person must be psychologically stable and must be able to evaluate the relationship accurately, she advises. Even so, many young people face pressure from society to get married at a young age. For Al-Shakankiry, it is always a good idea to get married and have a family, but it should not be an obligation at any age. This can lead people into taking the wrong decision, which can lead to problems and even divorce. Marriage should only take place when a person finds the right life partner. She added that people need time to judge if they have found the right partner. It is important to feel the chemistry at the beginning, but this is only a first step. It is vital to find out how a potential partner deals with daily situations and his or her ways of thinking. Partners should never try to fake their true selves, as this will inevitably affect the relationship. It will affect the acting person because he will spend the rest of his life acting, and it will affect the person who is being acted to, as she will never really understand her spouse. It can be important for potential partners to have similar backgrounds, because this will affect the couple's future. Their social standards should be similar, even if financial matters are not so important, even though some people may consider them to be a priority. Social background is important as it affects opinions, and social status plays a role in distributing tasks at home, including the division of labour in the family and the way the children are raised. Be on the lookout for negative aspects as well as positive ones. “It is a warning sign if I feel that I am the one who always gives and always tries to satisfy my partner, while the other only gives orders and receives benefits, for example,” Al-Shakankiry said. This is an unbalanced relationship, and the one surrendering in it will almost certainly later stop. Lastly, Al-Shakankiry referred to “toxic relationships” that can drain a person, reducing his or her self-confidence, robbing them of happiness, and the potential to succeed in life. Relationships of this type are to be avoided, she said. The writer is a freelance journalist.
