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Clip, strip, nip, tuck, pluck, suck
Published in Daily News Egypt on 23 - 12 - 2006

CAIRO: The 30th Cairo International Film Festival ended two weeks ago and fast on its heels was the Marrakech film fest. When that ended, Dubai, the concrete jungle, hosted its own cinematic extravaganza.
Film fans and critics were absolutely delighted to catch their favorite stars. Why, JF was absolutely giddy when he managed to interview screen siren Jacqueline Bisset and some of the female ushers at the Cairo bash were oooing and aaaing over Danny Glover.
And if that wasn't enough, George Clooney (does that name make you laugh? It reminds me of clown somehow) bested all the eligible bachelors of Cairo and made his way to the main campus of this city's best kept singles secret, the American University in Cairo.
My God, we would have had a new sexual harassment case all over again with poor George caught in the web of many a femme fatale.
But halt. This is not one of those tepid celebrity watch columns. Well, okay it is, but not the way you think.
During the fest here in Cairo I was pouring over picture after picture with my Sherlock Hommous magnifying glass trying to make out every discernible facial feature of the bold and beautiful.
You see, I am an avid fan of the scalpel and the syringe - I like to determine who had cosmetic surgery and where. It is prime detective work and it is my version of CSI. No, no, not the show. CSI for my loyal team of investigators and I stands for Cosmetic Surgery Investigations.
It's just oodles of fun. For example, one actress who should be oh, in her mid-40s right now, was known for her full lips. But they looked too full. So what did she do? She went out and botoxed her lips to almighty heaven. I believe on a rainy day now she can pull her upper lip down so it acts as a trench coat.
But she isn't the only one. I have seen quite a number of Egyptian 'entertainers' do the same thing. The first thing you see is lips. The second thing you see is lips. And . well, you get the rather contorted picture.
Over here at CSI, we believe the lip is a surefire giveaway. If the woman has Donald Duck lips, she's gone under for sure.
Sigh. It isn't just Egypt though. If you flip (no, no, I will not play with this word!) on your satellite receiver and just peruse the various Arabic channels you will see some two dozen music channels displaying the latest video from a bevy of Arab pop starlets.
How many of them have gone under the knife? Lebanon is to cosmetic surgery as Finland is to social welfare. It is rumored, of course, that one major singer there looks utterly different. Her coquettish cute looks have made her a regional sensation, but does she recognize herself in the mirror?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's had the best surgery of us all.
I blame Venezuela. Yes. I blame Venezuela for remodeling its models with a nip here a suction of fat there et voila a beautiful contestant in the beauty contests.
I also blame Meg Ryan. I happened to catch "When Harry Met Sally last week, and my God, did that girl look like an angel. But with the onset of age and with the craze in botox, collagen, and everything else in Hollywood, she got her fix and now her lips are - you guessed it, a handy-dandy umbrella for the rainy season.
Or how about those people who can't seem to be able to smile. What on earth did you do to your eyebrows? In the funniest of Adel Imam or Robin Williams sketches all they can muster is a soft whimper. Mmm . mmmmm . heh.
We here at CSI are actually scared when we see people laugh with a straight face. It's like sleeping with your eyes open.
No wonder men love women and cars so much. There is a correlation, you know. You can take both to the shop for some maintenance and remodeling.

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