Last week, my editor suggested, with all the subtlety of an anvil wrapped in a silk sheet, that it might be a good idea to use Ramadan as the theme of this week's column. Being the team player that I am, I decided it might be worth sharing my views on a season that has more "fast than a Usain Bolt race. Asking me to write about the spiritual aspect of Ramadan or the mystical quality it seems to inspire in people, is a non-starter: I'm not very religious myself so I wouldn't be able to give you any great insights. It would be like asking an Egyptian to comment on the merits of showing up on time or the virtues of living in a free-market democracy. That said, there's faith of a very different kind going on during Ramadan, especially where advertisers are concerned. That's because they know that for a few hours after iftar, the average Egyptian family will be trapped in the throes of the deepest food coma known to humanity, unable to avoid the spell of the television set. After all, if you're going to get away with another round of inane, unoriginal, formulaic, hey-it-worked-last-year song-and-dance routine (with a fazoora, riddle, at the end), it helps to have an audience that has been deprived of its decision-making by their consumption of about half their weight in food. Ramadan TV viewership has never been about numbers (also known as "bums on seats ) or targeting the right viewers for your products. Either that or a disturbing number of ordinary citizens are buying cement and steel, around Ramadan. To advertisers, it's all about the prestige of having a commercial showing on the primetime of primetimes. The other side of having TV commercials on in Ramadan is that ever present staple of the Egyptian psyche: tradition. People like to see the same things in Ramadan because they've always seen the same things in Ramadan, so there's no reason to ever change. It's a chicken-and-egg scenario. Now I haven't lived in Egypt for the past 10 years, so I might be making a few generalizations or commenting on trends that are no longer with us. But I'm fairly sure I'm not a million miles away. So much so that I feel I can make a few bold predictions about some of the things you'll be seeing somewhere on TV this Ramadan: 1. Boogy and Tamtam will make an appearance somewhere, dropping the IQ of malleable young minds by at least 50 points.2. 30 riddles with 30 answers and if you send them all in at the end of the month, you might win a prize. Oh, don't bother watching, just buy all 30 answers from a junior producer on the show for the princely sum of LE 5.3. An epic, heartwarming (melo)drama spanning several generations: from the opulence of pre-revolutionary Egypt to the socialism of the 60s to the despair of the defeat in the 1967 war and the glorious revival of 1973 etc. etc. Starring the same old tired faces, rehashing the same old tired themes.4. A game show featuring exposure-hungry celebrities in bright-colored training suits, performing asinine tasks punctuated by remarkable unfunny commentary. Oh, the male stars are all sporting GARGANTUAN bellies while the women don't have any make-up on (out of respect for Ramadan).5. A daily interview with whatever hot young thing is ruling the airwaves, in her home: she'll show you the salon, the den, the big-screen TV, the giant photo of herself in the living room.and of course, the prayer mat. She'll throw in some badly pronounced French in the midst of her garrulous dialogue and assure us that she refuses to work during Ramadan because she prefers to meditate. If I'm wrong about any of these, write me back and I'd be happy to reimburse you for your time with an authentic, traditional, Macarena-playing, made-in-China fanoos. Woody Allen said that tradition is the illusion of permanence; Grace McGarvie noted that tradition is an excuse for acting without thinking. With all due respect to tradition, the kind of content shown in Ramadan is in need of a serious overhaul. Fresh-thinking needs to go into what to show, where to show it, what it's meant to achieve and ? here's a shocker ? actually evaluate whether it was well-received or not. You know, drive your content based on customer feedback? I know I'm wasting my breath. The Egyptian media at large, are notoriously set in their ways and if people don't demand improvement, why should they give it to them? Tradition might be a powerful force in Egypt, but it's no match for apathy. I'm not blaming. I'm just as apathetic and strangely revering of tradition (even when it makes no sense) as anyone else. But I draw the line at watching anything, just because it happens to be on TV. There's plenty else I could be doing: like paying LE 50 for a fuul sandwich at a Ramadan tent. So Ramadan? I'm afraid, my dears, I Ramadon't. Mohammed Nassarwas kidnapped at birth and forced to work in advertising, in Cairo, New York and London. Today, his main concern is that archaeologists will one day stumble upon his desk, debate the value of his profession and judge him.
