Modern Egyptian men may not exactly fit the Western image of the gentleman, writes Amina Elbendary -- they have created their own It is true of course, that whenever we girls get together we talk about guys. Now, please don't get me wrong. We do also talk about other topics that are higher on our agendas: the Arab-Israeli conflict, the war on Iraq, corruption scandals, fashion, diets, the latest novels, J Lo, etc... etc.. But we just can't resist the opportunity to vent our complaints re the males of our species. The things that they do to us are just unbelievable. There's nothing more fun than hearing women complain about men except perhaps hearing men complain about women. So it was with a dash of selfish desire for some fun that this reporter undertook this assignment: are there Egyptian gentlemen? The first reaction is always "of course not!" But after the dose of venting, women and men invariably got around to defining just who is a gentleman. "Being a gentleman is about being sensitive and perceptive of the small stuff," says Marian, 28, "and this differs from one culture to another." And "it's about being tender and protective," says Lubna, 27. For Fatma who's just recently married, a gentleman is someone who does those little silly things like let a woman walk ahead or get her a seat. They're not essential things, granted, "but they please me." "A gentleman is someone you can depend on," adds Lubna. For Nancy, a gentleman is someone who focusses on a woman's emotions and is responsible. Riham, a mother of a one-and-a-half year old boy, cautions her single friends that they're confusing gentlemanliness with manhood: a man can learn the rituals of being a "gentleman" but if he's not man enough then it's too late. A man might just be trying to act chic while not having the essential morals and values that support such mannerisms. "Manliness then is about the big stuff," concludes Marian. But what are these rituals, the small stuff, that men might sometimes do and earn the title "gentlemen"? A friend relays an experience she's been though more times than she cares to remember: she walks into a restaurant to meet friends for dinner and it is the non-Egyptian among the men who is always the one to get her coat and seat her. In fact, very often in Egypt, it's wives who help their husbands put on their jackets. And doors? Forget doors. Most women don't wait for men to open doors for them though some men still take that initiative in particular office environments. Equality between the sexes within the work sphere has also made many of the protective gestures of gentlemanliness outdated and sometimes even embarrassing. On the other hand, it's opened ways for new gestures, new expressions of gentlemanliness if you will. So when a woman is driving home late from work or a dinner, a gentleman is the one who walks her to her car and drives behind her, explains Lubna. It is rare for Egyptian men to buy flowers to their girlfriends or open the car door for them. In fact, as Shahenda, 25 and mother of two explains, these are really imported mannerisms among younger men; we didn't have this kind of thing in the old days. You just have to look at upper middle- class Cairo in February to realise that the importation of St Valentine's Day has brought a whole lot of new gestures to man-woman relationships. And many girls, especially those barely past the threshold of 20, want this. These are the gestures that win their hearts. Older guys insist however, that being a gentleman is not about the gestures -- a view that ironically the women of their generation seem to share. "A gentleman is someone who is well-mannered and polite with everyone he deals with," insists Yehia, 35. "He is someone who has principles and doesn't just do gestures for show," he adds. "It is a Western concept, frankly," comments Marian who has been living in Belgium for the past three years. "But even in the West it's hard to get by a true gentleman these days." It is a view strongly supported by Millie Brown who was married and has lived in Egypt for decades. "The gentlemen have died out today in the West too," she laments. "In the old days, a gentleman collected his date, went to the door, opened the car for her; there was a whole set of rituals. When he took you out to a restaurant in the evening he would wear a tie, even if not a jacket, out of respect for his date. Today a man rings a woman up and sets a date over the phone at some non descript place and meets her there," she says. "The lack of rituals shows a lack of respect for a woman," she insists. "In the age of English gentlemen, they actually respected a woman." And younger women agree. "There are many other small gestures of kindness that show a man respects a woman and cares for her," explains Khadija, 28. "If he asks about your family, calls your mother on his own initiative, for example, this shows he cares. In Egypt, a man who respects you will respect your family." Traditional principles in Egypt stress respect for the elders, says Millie. A man of 40 would stand up in the presence of his father till told to be seated, he would never smoke in the presence of his father, she adds. And honouring the mother in particular is a value that is most prized here. "There are other traditional notions like shahama", offers Fatma, "which might contradict with gentlemanliness." Indeed, an Egyptian shahm would walk ahead of a woman to be her "shield" in facing the crowds rather than behind her. But also, as Fatma points out, he would walk her down a dark street at night. "Today men might not open the door of a car but a gentleman would still make way for you to enter the door of a building first. He might not bring you flowers but he will make sure he takes you to places that would please you as a woman," comments Millie. "There are many other things besides the flowers and the doors, you know. Besides, some of the protective gestures of gentlemen are almost offensive. I don't want to be protected by a stranger necessarily. I want the man I love to care for me and try and please me. That's different," says Khadija. For Millie the traditional rituals of gentlemanliness no longer exist in Egypt largely because of education and upbringing. These gestures and rituals were not part of the culture to begin with. "The Egyptians who went to school abroad both before and right after the 1952 Revolution were exposed to Western society. They learnt how a gentleman behaves in France, Germany and England. And when they came back they continued to behave in this manner. But Egyptian young men today, who haven't gone abroad except on holidays, would naturally not be aware of Western culture. But even in the West the concept has now died out; a woman would open her door before a man had a chance to." Younger generations -- boys and girls -- are not taught many of the polite gestures of behaviour at all. How can the boys grow up to be gentlemen? And, as Dalia, 29 and mother of a two-year-old adds, "there are no more ladies either. The codes of behaviour have changed remarkably. Many of the things we do and which are quite accepted in middle class circles, even many of the expressions we use, are frowned upon as impolite by our parents. Our mothers never went to work in trousers, for example. It was impolite." And a lady didn't smoke in public. So many of the traditional codes of behaviour have disappeared and in their place is an odd mix of new, mutated and imported mannerisms that often do not fit in together. "Some of the new international schools in Cairo offer their students classes in etiquette and manners. But these of course are very exclusive and elitist schools," explains Lubna. "How many people send their kids to such schools?" In most Egyptian schools today, the teachers themselves lack proper upbringing and fail to enforce their respect on the kids. The stereotype of the traditional school teacher we see in black and white films, complete with suit, tie and tarboush, has also died out. Gentlemanliness is also in part an issue of class then. There are other codes of behaviour and gestures among the working class that make a man respectable and admired, even if he is not to be called a "gentleman". Or as Mohamed, 29, contributes, gentlemanliness is about refinement which comes with a particular social and cultural background. "How do you expect a man who's been working 16 hours, to leave his seat on the bus for a woman or an elderly man? Or if he stops after that long day to buy bread, why should he let a woman ahead? When you're being enslaved by the system you don't really care about manners," Mohamed insists. But as someone else responds, there are other ways to express good manners -- and many people surprisingly do, despite the pressures of daily life. "That man in the long queue might not give up his place for the woman behind (or he might) but he would offer to buy her bread along with his and charge her later. There are other ways to be kind and forms of gentlemanliness that don't conform to the traditional Western stereotype," says Zeinab, a working mother. I might be biased by my personal preferences, granted, but it's obvious that women these days much as they fail to understand many of the workings of the male mind, are not particularly attracted to the stereotypical image of the gentleman, much as it is difficult to come across one to begin with. We're just not looking for them anymore. We just want decent, kind, caring men. Or as experienced Millie puts it "women want polite, well-dressed, dignified, preferably monied individuals, they don't want gentlemen anymore." I would add interesting and intellectually stimulating to the list. Surely that's not too much to ask for. Or is it?
