The other day, the company Creative Director showed up at my office, early in the morning, with a 40-something year old lady in his tow. He introduced me to her by name only, and we shook hands. Then I enquired if she had just joined the company. My boss gave me a horrified look; she gave me a death stare. I was then duly informed me that no, she hadn't just joined, she was actually the CEO of Ogilvy Worldwide and that she'd been with the company for nine years. Crickets. And tumbleweed. I could see my statuesque skyscraper of a career come crashing down, like one of those controlled demolition videos. I later told my boss that if he didn't want us acting like mole-people, blinking furiously at all and sundry, he shouldn't flash a sudden light in our face. After all, we writers are locked up in the basement of major advertising agencies all day, everyday, forced to work on the communication platforms of blue-chip companies, our skin a sickly whitish-blue, thanks to a combination of sun deprivation and neon lighting. What do we know about the outside world? But the bigger point is that while I've been known to reel off the names of all 44 US presidents (in order), I'm at a loss to name the person who sits two cubicles down from me, never mind someone who has the power to make sure I never work again (Insert evil laugh here). This is effectively a synecdoche of the times we live in: We've gained a global view of the world but lost all vestiges of personality and community. And the world is poorer for it. Companies are what I know, and I know they've lost their humanity. This is regardless of how much time and money and energy they spend convincing you the opposite is true. The old adage holds here: If you spend hours trying to convince me of something, it better not be that you're not the talkative type. Companies. Don't. Care. The terms 'brand identity' and 'brand personality' especially make me laugh, because one of the central tenets of personality, is that it isn't contrived, that it's a naturally-occurring phenomenon, not dreamed up in the dungeons of some ad agency. Also, most personalities I've encountered don't have a budget of a few million dollars to help them appeal to a mass audience. Unless you're Paris Hilton. My point is that companies in general, agencies in particular, are soulless and you should never be fooled into thinking they care. All they care about is the bottom line, the profit margin, the moolah, the green stuff, the what-have-you-done-for-me-lately, the bread, the scratch, the dead presidents, it's all about the Benjamins (baby).and being nice is nice-but-not-necessary. But is that attitude making people less nice themselves? It stands to reason, I mean, if we spend 10 hours a day at work, we're going to bring back some of our attitude there, to our homes. I used to argue with my dad that if we're currently being trained by capitalism to switch jobs for better opportunities and less hassle, doesn't it stand to reason we'd bring that same attitude to our personal relationships? That might be one explanation for the soaring divorce rates. Also, it's possible that people have gotten so short and testy with each other, that people are actually grateful when confronted with a random act of niceness. If I had a 10-piaster note for every time a friend said "I met someone.they're nice! I wouldn't need to write this column to pay for my bi-weekly popsicle habit. Shouldn't nice be a given? Shouldn't it be a standard feature, not a luxury option? Not really, says the devil's advocate, a part I'm entitled to play in my role as a lowly-paid columnist with delusions of grandeur. Here's why: 1. People take advantage of nice people. Fact.2. Nice guys finish last. Girls don't like the nice guys (they only want to settle down with them, when all their other options have been exhausted). 3. Nice stops you doing your job. That's because it impedes your ability to perform the less pleasant aspects of your job. How will you bully someone or punish them or keep them working slave hours through a steady diet of coercion and paranoia, if you've wasted time being nice?4. If you start off being nice and then lose your temper, people say "Oh, I thought he was nice, but he turned out to be an ass. Whereas, if you start by acting crazy and irrational, and then dispense a controlled dose of niceness, when it suits you, people say "Oh, I thought he was an ass, but he actually turned out to be nice. 5. Nice is, unfortunately, a synonym for spineless and stupid. Ok, that last one was weak. But my point remains that this modern world has given people scant reason to be nice to each other. Nice is like vanilla: it's dependable but kinda boring. It doesn't stand out, doesn't make an impression, doesn't stick in the memory, doesn't feed the bulldog. I'd rather be loved or hated, but not ignored. Being too nice is a license for people to ignore you. It might win you admiration, but admiration doesn't pay the light bills.ok.the lights have just gone out in my apartment. If you're reading this, then I remembered to hit the SAVE button. Mohammed Nassarwas kidnapped at birth and forced to work in advertising, in Cairo, New York and London. Today, his main concern is that archaeologists will one day stumble upon his desk, debate the value of his profession and judge him. Feel free to email him at [email protected].
