Restaurant review: Absolutely fabulous The boardwalk's hypothetical menu The popcorn, encouraged by sizzling vegetable oil, matriculates into its edible form and the cotton candy wraps itself effortlessly around plastic props as wafts of their fried flavours blend with the salty sea breeze. Vociferous kids peddle their tricycles at a furious rate while their counterparts, bereft of vehicles, count down from a hundred with megaphone vocal cords as their playmates hide, only to be interrupted by forlorn nannies and start all over again. This is the boardwalk at Porto Marina, Resort and Spa, the latest addition to the undisputed king of the North Coast's beach-house colonies, and your stroll has just begun. You'll pass traditionally sedentary families whose only recreation -- those blessed conjugal rights aside -- is feeding. The listlessly wicked beauty-queen housewives yawn and check the progress they've made on their tans, while La Plage's baking hours booze-fuelled spare flesh parade mutates into tight cliques of estrogen, whose flab (wrapped, needless to say, in the latest summer fashions) is celebrated shamelessly and followed much too closely by packs of horny bug-eyed boys intent on keeping the sausage-fest flame alive. As you leave the up-market chain restaurants and brand-name stores behind you, the final waterfront destination is a branch of Mohandessin's reputed coffee shop, Retro. The eatery that boasts its "creative cuisine" takes the spare and elegant form of large picnic tables and white cushions; they're upright enough to facilitate digestion and comfortable enough to enjoy the harbour view. The décor doesn't extend beyond yellow candles atop beds of sea shells and the authoritative neon purple sign. Choice and fitting additions have been made to the truncated menu. A barbeque platter of veal kebab, kofta, and shish tawouk, a seafood barbeque platter of fish kebab and prawns, fish and chips with red vinegar, a chicken cordon bleu and a chinoise salad of stir-fried garden vegetables with ginger and cashew nuts, to name but a few selections, are all being given a trial run. However, with the branch still in its first year of operation, and therefore still finding its footing, almost half the menu is a tease of a mirage. The intriguing avocado and papaya salad (also a new entry) is unavailable pending the acquiescence of Columbian warlords who refuse to part with their beloved produce. And at what we assumed was dinner time, 10.30pm, the chef still hadn't taken a butcher's knife to the skinned beast, denying us access to their star entrée, the grilled mega beef chop with grilled lemon mushrooms. Nor had he kneaded the homemade ravioli dough, whose prawn variant was also a sore loss. So don't arrive early, but in all fairness, though many may find that generous natures don't assuage frustrated appetites, if there's one setting to forgive a lackadaisical attitude this is definitely it. Ordering, we overhear an argument in which the waiter eventually concedes to the patron that the deep-freezes haven't been pulling their weight all summer long due to a dilapidated power supply -- so tempting desserts such as the kirsch glace, with hot cherries over vanilla and cherry ice cream and the banoffe vanilla boat with fried bananas and almond chips, unless you favour the sloppy, are best given a miss this year -- and my companion worries about the freshness of the smoked salmon club sandwich she requested. Fortunately the food quality, as this establishment has come to have us expect, turns out to be excellent. The sandwich was delicious and the fillet mignon was very presentable and well executed, if a tad dry. The cream of the city branch's smoothies, from raspberry rush to fibre fireworks, are also here to help wash it all down and take along as you return to your stroll across the strip. Growing inured to the look- but-don't-accost players you'll find there's actually stuff to do, like taking a gondola ride or hopping a ferry across the harbour to the outdoor cinema. Retro Porto Marina, resort and spa, Marina, North Coast. Tel: 010-167-7894. Opening Hours: 6pm-4am. Dinner for two: LE150; Minimum charge: LE30/ person. By Waleed Marzouk
