Ads and people are very similar: both crave attention; both are desperate to stand out; neither is ever prepared to admit they might be boring everyone else. This column is living proof of that. But the similarities don't end there. Everything we do, from dressing up to affecting a posh accent, even our bi-weekly trips to the gym (in my case, bi-annual) are part of a strategy to enhance our unique brand identity and help it gain mass appeal. Because all we WEALLY want is for people to WIKE us and spend all their time WOOKING at us! Of course, after you've looked and hopefully liked what you see, the demands begin: You like me? Then buy this! Signup for that! You know you want it, baby! Patrons of any disreputable strip joint should be experiencing a sudden rush of déjà vu, about now. So we know what qualities people value in other people: obscene money, the power to park your car anywhere and not get a ticket, lack of intellectual curiosity, limited intelligence and a big mouth. But what makes an ad appealing enough to motivate you, the humble lemming? The answer comes from a great man who said "I don't care if I'm right or wrong. As long as I'm interesting. The debate about my greatness aside, being interesting is the name of the game. In fact, my favorite definition of advertising is that it's the art of finding something interesting to say about something, and then saying it in an interesting way. Here are my 10 commandments for effective advertising:One, be different. If you want to stand out, don't copy others. Unfortunately, risk-averse, mental-midget marketing executives disagree. Here's how one such specimen dismissed a new direction for his advertising: "Listen, I'm all for individuality.as long as everybody else does it too. Two, make the ad look good. Spend some money. A cheap ad means a cheap product. And don't say the budget isn't there. If I can't afford the trousers to go with the suit, I don't leave the house. The judge made that perfectly clear. Three, find a concept. The days of showing pretty girls singing and dancing in a 30-second spot, are over and they don't move products. If you want to meet girls, go to Gameat Al-Dowal Street like everybody else. If you want to sell, find an interesting idea. Four, don't make your ad too clever. You may be able to quote Foucault on-the-fly, but most people are morons and need a little help. I'm sorry your MA in Comparative Literature isn't working out for you, but it could be worse: you could have been a columnist, alienating your readers. In the words of my old boss: "Make it easy.like your sister. Five, get a little perspective on the excitement level you show. Sure, people are thrilled when a detergent removes that tough stain, but unless they're high on E., they seldom take to the streets and dance with strangers. Six, don't exaggerate - your mother was right about that. If an ad strains belief, your product loses credibility. Satire and irony are all very well, but even they obey strict rules. Seven, humor is good, but don't force it. Plenty of people may not agree with your idea of funny. And while avoiding those people in high school made sense, alienating them in the real world costs you money. Prioritize insight and interest, instead. Eight, please don't use celebrities. Research shows that people remember celebrities, but not the brands they sell. They also don't believe celebrities would use your crappy product. Besides, actors are cheaper and need the money more. Nine, never allow the head of a company to appear in your ad. Viewers don't give a rat's behind who he is and they're liable to still be ticked off at him for not doing an ad with dancing girls. Besides, if he wants to be on camera, he should have thought of that before he lost his hair and started eating 12 times a day. Lastly, avoid being formulaic. Each ad needs to have its own unique personality, so let the story tell itself. That way, your ads will always be fresh and different. Here's a bonus one: don't listen to bitter, petty, over-the-hill, resentful, advertising hacks who tell you what to do. Except this one, of course. See you next week. Mohammed Nassar was kidnapped at birth and forced to work in advertising in Cairo, New York and London. Today, his main concern is that archaeologists will one day stumble upon his desk, debate the value of his profession and judge him.
