You're young, successful, and generally pleased with your life. But if you're unmarried, the chances are you're under pressure, says Amira El-Noshokaty My grandmother was a great storyteller, and her stories often ended with, "... and they lived happily ever after". But what if Snow White broke up with her prince, Cinderella was working late and missed out on the party or El-Shater Hassan never found Sett El-Hosn wel-Gamal? In Egypt, single people are viewed suspiciously by society at large. If you stay single into your early 30s, friends and families, let alone neighbours and acquaintances, are bound to get worried. But the ranks of the unmarried are swelling. According to the latest figures, three out of 10 men and two out of 10 women in marrying age have never been married. Financial constraints are partly responsible. But some people have trouble finding Mr or Ms Right. What happens to them? "I am not married because my idea of marriage is simply different from that of society. I am 30 and I am waiting for someone special. Someone who's well-read, religious and shares my views in life; and I would not settle for second best," says business consultant Heba El-Ashmawi. "My mother wants me to see suitors regardless of their compatibility; out of the old concept of the more the suitors the better the image of the girl being desired and all," she adds. Sociologist Azza Korayem admits that the local culture is biased against single people. "Eastern societies, particularly the Islamic, view marriage as the only religiously blessed institution through which the sexual and psychological needs of the individual are met. Society fears that any delay in the marriages means the suppression of such desires, which would then be met in an immoral manner." This societal view, maintains El-Ashmawi, is flawed. "People would ask me why am I being so difficult... They just want to see a wedding ring on my finger regardless of what kind of a husband I get. But I am the one who would be stuck with him later." A 30-year-old young woman, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that she has stopped attending all family weddings one year ago. "I hate the word oqbalek [may it be your turn in marriage] that I hear from family and acquaintances. I want to get married some day to the man I choose, but in the meantime my life involves as much responsibilities as any married person. I am responsible for my mother. I drive her around. I do the shopping. I am the one who is leading... All I want is for people to stop regarding me as a looser." "Society sees unmarried women between 27 to 30 years old as spinsters, but what is the definition of a spinster? In the 1950s, it was girls who reached 16 without marriage, now it's 27 on," says El-Ashmawi. The current generation, she notes, is taking many additional family responsibilities, even without getting married. Our parents did not live that long with their own parents. They were never responsible for their parents the way we are. "We are expected to bear our own responsibility, put up with their problems, earn our own living and marry properly. In my house, I am not allowed to be nervous or tired. I am seen as too young for that. Sometimes I need my personal space. I am living my life to the fullest, with family, friends and a successful job. That to me is as important as being happily married." The social pressure for marriage is not confined to women. A 31-year-old man speaking anonymously says that society sees single people his age as morally suspect. Graphic designer Ayman Hussein, 36, agrees. People don't trust single men, he said. "It is as though I am irresponsible, somehow flawed; 95 per cent of my friends are married, and I lose them bit by bit. All my married friends say that women are all the same. I disagree... I have come across so many men who boast that they are cheating on their wives... They are not happy in their marriages." Hussein blames soap operas for the societal pressure associated with marriage. "All soaps," he says, "are about love and marriage. People who fail to get married are presented as if they were lacking in one thing or another." But, one can be successful, fulfiled and not married, he says. "The first question I always get when I say that I finished studies a long time ago, is why aren't you married by now?" says Doaa Kamoura, a 30- year-old artist. Society makes you feel that there is something wrong with you, that it is somehow your fault. Kamoura has had numerous marriage proposals over the years, but none she could accept. "It is either that we are not compatible or that the liking is not mutual... My parents blame it on me. Just who do you think you are? They would say... But one cannot marry just for the sake of it." Kamoura says it is easier to find a rich man than an emotionally compatible one. Four years ago, she decided, against her better judgment, to get engaged to someone who she didn't feel particularly close to. The morning after the engagement party, they split. "When my dad and I talked about it later, we realised that we both did not think he was the right match for me. Dad thought I liked him and so he did not object. And I thought he wanted to see me married and did not want to hurt his feelings." Mary, a 27-year-old banker, agrees that society makes it hard on single people. "When I go out with my male friends, people think that I am dating them. And if I go out with my female ones, they think we are going out to pick up guys. I am neither carefree nor close-minded. I am a little bit of both, and still don't feel accepted." She, too, had agreed to see suitors through arranged marriage channels. The result was discouraging, but the pressure is still too much to resist. "I will stick to my point of view for now, but who knows what will happen in a couple of years if I am still not married," she says. Korayem says that the average age of marriage has gone up because of economic problems and the change in the way the young generation thinks. This, in turn, creates another set of problems, for many adults continue to live with their families despite their legitimate need for independence. There is an increasing conflict between what families want and what the young need. "Back in the 1970s, we chose freely whom we wanted to live with, and could afford marriage without much financial support from the family. Nowadays, the family's social power is driven from its economic role," she notes. This may explain what happened to Loai Negm, 30, who has been engaged more than once. The moment he wears the ring, he says, the family begins to interfere. "Suddenly, the parents are involved in everything and there is no longer us," remembers Negm. "I think that the problem of marriage goes back to the gap between our parents and us. I see the answer through our children. They are the ones who would be able to get rid of the customs we inherited from the 1930s." Karim, 29, says that money is on the mind of most families, particularly the upper middle class. Parents often complicate marriages by asking the groom to buy expensive shabka and mahr (jewellery and money gifts to the bride). What they are doing is putting more value on money than on the other qualities of the individuals concerned. This runs against the old saying, "We buy a man and not his money," which means that people matter more than wealth. Shady, 27, assistant hotel manager, says that he will wait until he finds the right woman. "Even if I am 40, I won't give up. Because I really believe that each person in the world has a soul mate and I will not marry someone I don't love. Of course, finance is an important issue... But why can't it be like a small ring from the man, and a rented apartment?" Administrative assistant Mariam, 25, sees nothing particularly alluring about married life. "People in our society think that being married is a normal thing and that there must be a reason for remaining single, while it is the other way around." Society pressures people to get married, just as it pressures them to lose weight, dress in a certain fashion, or act in certain ways. To her, marriage should involve a combination of love and acceptance, for everyone is flawed. People who seek perfection, in looks or wealth, will end up with the wrong partners, she remarks. "I have not been married for I have not found the right person... I have witnessed so many cases where the couple falls soon after marriage into the stereotyped patterns. She cooks. He goes out alone every night. I grew up in a Gulf state and got to mingle with lots of non-Egyptians. I have seen single Lebanese women who were in their 30s and very successful. I have seen marriages where personal relationships come first, then comes the family -- not the common case in Egypt." Mariam is critical of Egyptian men. "I have seen a man who is 40 and still lives with his mother, who allows him to assume no responsibility whatsoever. And I think he enjoys not growing up. I am still 25, so I am not yet under much pressure to get married, but once I reach 30, it will start to happen... Still, I will never get married without love, as long as it may take... I have stuff to keep me busy till I am 70. Then, I may start worrying," she laughs.
