“Everyone focuses on friendship in a marital relationship, and they should know that there are also four secrets to a successful relationship. This is as true for those who have been married for years as it is for newly married couples or even for those who are engaged,” says relationship trainer Mohamed Al-Shafei during a lecture at the Al-Sawy Cultural Wheel in Cairo. “The first secret is choosing wisely. Before a person considers tying the knot, he or she should go through certain steps. He should determine his goal and know that he is not just marrying for the sake of it but to form a family and a home. He should understand why he is intended to choose the right person. If he does not, he should not marry,” adds trainer Hend Hussein. “The second step is to seek the right partner,” says Al-Shafei. “The most important thing here is religious inclinations, not externally, but internally.” Hussein adds that you should really know the person you are about to commit to, including the positive and negative sides. According to Al-Shafei, there are general traits a man seeks in a woman, including the fact that she should be kind, considerate, modest, trustworthy and flexible. A girl seeks a man who is wise, patient, head of his household on the economic and social levels, and just. For Al-Shafei, a marriage can pass through three stages, from early love to commitment and then long-term lives together. Some people spend their energy in the premarital-stages, he says. “There should be a balance between the mind and the emotions. There should be the question of whether the two people are really close to each other. This is essential if life is to be good after marriage,” he adds. Hussein explains the saying, “there is an empty chair in Adam and Eve's heart” by saying that, “the man or woman you are about to commit to, comes to fill an empty place in your heart.” “The second secret is building positive harmony,” says Al-Shafei. Here, there needs to be an equivalent educational and social level, vital if there is to be mutual understanding. Genuine friendship is important, as there needs to be a common way of thinking and looking at things. Men and women are different, of course, but in order for a marriage to work each partner must know how the other thinks. Men are analytically minded, Hussein says. “They need to see results and use the left side of the brain. Women, on the other hand, are more emotional and romantic. A woman should not think that because a man is silent he doesn't care about her problems. He needs to analyse the problem. Men make a decision, and then they discuss it. They don't express their problems first, but they will be encouraged to do so if women encourage him to think well of himself,” she says. Al-Shafei adds that men should understand that women fix on details. “They will know every detail of the street they park their car in, while a man will just know the name of the street. Men have to be patient with this aspect of women's personalities, as it is simply part of their nature, an expression of how they think.” “A man who wants to give a gift to his wife should say words to her that are full of emotions. A woman likes to discuss decisions before taking them. She expresses her feelings in words, and she also likes to hear words. A man should appreciate what she does even if it is her duty to do it,” he adds. In order for couples to live harmoniously together, honesty is vital, Hussein says. “You should ask yourself, ‘will I be able to live with this guy or that girl despite all his/her flaws,' for example. If you lose your temper easily, tell him so that you can both work on changing that. You should also differentiate between natural traits and imaginary ones. To say that you love honesty, while you are not honest, is a lie, for example. It is essential to be yourself. Don't hide your flaws, as they will be discovered after marriage.” Secret number three is that difference is the first step to understanding. “You should be satisfied with what God has given you, whether it is the financial, physical, ethical or emotional side of your partner,” Al-Shafei says. “Your happiness is determined by how you behave after marriage. Putting restrictions on a partner, for example, can cause marital misery. There should be dialogue between family members. A man should never just tell his wife to shut up, as what she is trying to do by talking is express her energy. Telling her to shut up can cause her to explode,” he adds. RENEW YOUR LOVE: It is essential that married couples take the time to remember the happy memories they have had. “Put photographs on your mobile phone and look at them from time to time, for example. Try to make a special day for your partner,” Al-Shafei says. “But you are not her, and she is not you. He shouldn't be in her place, and she shouldn't be in his. We are different in order to complete each other. Stay away from subjects of debate that can spoil any married life,” Hussein advises. If they are marital conflicts, these can also be eased. Secrets should be kept in a metal box locked with a key. “Don't let anyone else into any personal conflicts you may have. If someone is let in, and the conflict is resolved, they may still remember things that you may not wish them to know, especially mothers-in-law, who may make a speciality of remembering negative things,” Al-Shafei notes. According to Hussein, men like to lead. A woman should never think that she can take over the ship, even if she is taking part in providing for the household. Leadership is the preserve of men, as men have the stronger way of thinking and longer-term goals, she says. This is not to say that women don't have insight. But only a husband's leadership can steer a marriage safely. However, a man must listen to his wife and ask her opinions. He must be lenient, as a successful leader always listens to other members of his team, especially the most important member, his wife. He must be disciplined in his attitude and his temper. Women can tend to store up negative feelings, which is why they can make a habit of remembering old rows. A man must know and understand this. “What a man wants from a woman is trust. If he says, ‘I am seeing a friend' you should trust him. Don't say, ‘ok, let me hear your friend's voice' as if you don't trust him. If there is no trust in a relationship, things are doomed,” Hussein says. On the other hand, a woman is responsible for the management of the household. She uses the insight of a man to manage her home in a certain direction. She needs respect at home and in public, and she needs faithfulness, commitment, support and security. A man should always ask himself whether he is giving his wife what she needs. Problems after marriage can be divided into the financial and the physical. If there are financial problems, better financial management may be in order. “You should divide a salary into four parts each month, corresponding to each week. If there are physical problems, address them carefully. If a man has gained weight, his wife should encourage him to lose weight in a nice way without complaining about it. She should adapt her eating habits to his, even if she does not need to lose weight,” Hussein says. Coding and decoding is also important. “For example, if you say, ‘I am going out now' and you mean, ‘excuse me, I want to go out, if you don't mind' but don't want to say it that way, your words can come across as if you are giving your husband an order,” Hussein says. “A wife has to use the right body language and tone of voice in order not to magnify small problems.” Often, problems of temperament can be solved with friendliness and love. Even moral problems can be solved with discussion, says Hussein. “For example, if he is seeing or talking to someone else, you must face him without pressuring him. Marital life is based on dialogue. You should start with the positive points and then mention the negative points, using the ‘sandwich method,' as it has been called.” “Never use buts in a sentence, as they cancel what was said before,” says Al-Shafei. “For example, if your wife has baked a cake, don't say, ‘it's nice, but it needs less butter' as this is discouraging. A kind word finds a permanent place in the heart.” Secret number four is about the revitalisation of love. There is always a need for this in any relationship. Always look for the common points in yourself and your partner in order to achieve a closer relationship. Remember that you are different, and were it not for that, no consensus could have occurred. A man should know the nature of his wife and vice versa. A man shouldn't make mistakes and magnify them. He shouldn't look at other women and ignore his wife. He should listen to her complaints, no matter how trivial they may seem. If he has made a mistake, he should apologise. “Admitting a mistake is a virtue,” says an Arabic proverb. A man shouldn't force his wife to do something she doesn't want to do, as she may do it but won't like it. Similar things are true for wives. A wife should choose the right time to talk to her husband. She shouldn't talk to him when he is hungry, or while he is watching a football match. She should remember that she is the flower of the home. A husband should see his wife at her best. A woman should not argue with her husband, as this simply makes him stubborn. She should be calm. A man should always smile at his wife, and a wife should always smile at her husband. A man should not leave his wife alone in the house to go out with his friends. A wife should make her husband feel that she is including herself in his issues. She should show him reactions to what he says to show him she cares. She should avoid negative criticism which leads nowhere. Similarly, a man should never compare his wife's cooking to his mother's. A man and a woman should make space for each other. A wife should be devoted to her family and her husband, but she should balance the two without pressuring her husband. Don't hold on to painful memories. Don't put the blame on each other. Don't physically, mentally or emotionally chase each other. Don't follow each other around. Anticipate rewards from God, not seek the things that you have in common.
